


Instead of Kindness

by jiemae



Category: Naruto
Genre: Canon Compliant as far as pre-700, Character Development, Character Study, F/M, Implied Relationships, OC insert, POV Multiple, ROOT!OC, Sai x Ino is quick to hook up but falling in love is much slower, Sakura x Kakashi is slow to hook up but falling in love will be interestingly quicker, Sasuke is a bit of a dick but that's just cause he's Sasuke and has yet to grow up lol, Sasuke x Kino (OC) is a slow burn, Shoujo, Slice of Life, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Smut in the later chapters, Some Humor, Some angst, implied/referenced rape/non-con in chapter seven (having occurred in the past), this fic is an experimentation on three different types of love and relationships, three love stories happening in tandem
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-24
Updated: 2018-02-24
Packaged: 2019-03-23 14:06:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 41,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13789308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jiemae/pseuds/jiemae
Summary: At times like this, she felt like a jar with no end—greedy and constantly needing to be filled.(three love stories that eventually begin to unravel in tandem; SasuOC, InoSai, KakaSaku)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a story about a mix of relationships and the three love stories occurring in tandem with one another. The main pair is Kino and Sasuke, but InoSai and KakaSaku are definitely not lacking in scenes, although they come a bit later on in the story.
> 
> The story builds slowly and I've put a lot of thought into the paths I want every character to go. Know that each character will not be the same character you meet at the start. Also know that Sasuke is gonna be his usual sunshine self (which is difficult to handle and allergic to love.)
> 
> Hope y'all enjoy the first 40k words cause I'm bringing this fic over from fanfiction and have a Lot to post.

She tasted fruit once.

Or at least she thought she once had.

Sometimes, she liked to daydream about that fruit to pass the time.

It was supposed to be sweet but for some reason she could recall a slightly bitter taste to the generic fruit that she dreamt of. She remembered liking it though, recalling the chill of it on her tongue during what was presumably a warm summer day. But what was so strange is that she could not remember eating anything like it in her entire time being alive, which was as long as fifteen years.

"Apples are red," she mumbled softly to herself, reorienting herself on the tree branch she had been perched on for the better part of an hour. Watching, observing, noting the nothingness that was taking place. As always.

She breathed out slowly, as if to test the strength of her lungs. They were still working, she thought.

"Plums are black," Kino followed up with, wondering what it was that sounded so flat about her voice.

"Humanity is gray."

Maybe it was the subject matter.

**私の中**

"Report all that you see, especially if it looks as if it will be useful to our cause."

"Yes, sir."

She couldn't say she knew for sure what the 'cause' was but as she had been on the same mission everyday for the past few months, she'd come to grasp what kind of information he was looking for. Still, as much as she never admitted it to herself, this mission of hers had been...

Difficult.

**君 が いた**

Kino stiffened on her branch before forcing herself to relax.

He'd spotted her again.

"You," he said, turning to look up at her with sharp coal-black eyes.

"Me," she returned.

"You're here again, where you shouldn't be."

"Yes," she agreed.

Leader had clearly warned her that even the civilian kind was nowhere the base of the snake man. Those would be experiments, he had said, possible escapees that she should take note of as best she could but should ultimately leave them alone to their fates.

Already she had seen three of them but they never made it very far.

The boy before her was one of the reasons why.

His name was Sasuke Uchiha and he was strangely kind.

"You're a spy," he stated bluntly.

She'd received no orders to hide the fact.

"Yes."

It was almost difficult to notice but his face tightened for just a second. The change was swift as it was brief and moments later, it looked as if he had never shown even a hint of emotion. It was the type of facial control Leader had instilled within all of ROOT. Like her own, his expression was stone, perfectly impassive and unreadable.

This set her at ease.

"For who?" he asked and she did not blink.

Kino said nothing. Orders were still orders.

"Tch." He turned to curse under his breath before looking back at her, hand going to the hilt of his sword.

He was going to harm her?

Kino blinked at him in something resembling surprise but she wasn't exactly sure if that was the case. Was she surprised he wanted to hurt her, or more surprised it had taken so long for him to show himself as a danger? They'd met twice before after all, once where he had said nothing to her, and the second time where he'd warned her off the area. Almost as if he were a protective force, the feared demon that would not attack.

This behavior of his was almost typical, commonplace reactions to her that she had grown accustomed to.

Like Leader had explained to her long ago, Kino seemed to have the type of face people trusted; soft and with rounded curves that touched both her eyes and chin. Long dark lashes, raven dark hair and a golden gaze—even unsmiling, something about her seemed to make people like her without much attempts towards it.

Leader had used this to her mission's advantages, of course, but it hadn't seemed to be one in the mission parameters of this one. At least, nothing was ever mentioned of it before in the debriefing.

Kino was still not sure what to think of the boy before her though. He wasn't exactly as she expected.

Especially not with the young man suddenly becoming much more of a threat. Unfortunately, she'd both seen him in action and knew her limitations quite well. Perhaps she could outrun him but it was unlikely for her to live if he cared to go full out with the deadly speed she knew he had.

"If you don't speak up, I'll kill you," he told her and she knew he meant it.

Sasuke, in her observations, was rather honest and he did not like to be made into a liar.

"I can speak up in volume," she said, just a bit louder in a clear show that her vocal cords did, in fact, work.

He scoffed. "You can't try and act cute to get out of this. Now, tell me what you know before I kill you."

"You will kill me regardless, then?" Kino asked, swinging her feet just a little bit more in the air.

Sasuke glared at her and with a soft gasp rising from her lips, she noted the very heavy intent in the air. Forming something of a second cloak on her skin that felt like a very heavy boulder on her shoulders and like pinpricks had been set into her heart, Kino nearly bowed to the pressure. She struggled to stay still and even more so than that, she struggled to keep her unsettled stomach from being emptied.

Kino might've lost her breakfast of nuts all over him if he didn't finally relax.

"Of course," he told her, eyes sharp on her. "You have no use to me alive."

"A lot of people fit that description," she noted softly, quickly regaining her breath and composure. "Can you perhaps kill someone else?"

"And let you leave with the information you might have?"

"I have nothing," she told him honestly.

Everything was quiet in the land of sound.

"I plan to kill Orochimaru," he told her.

"Ah," she breathed, blinking dumbly. "Leader would want to know of this."

"That they would," he muttered, looking at her with an expression she could not decipher. It did not look happy or sad but perhaps a mixture of the two.

"So I have to kill you," he explained.

"Please allow me to complete my mission," she said, ignoring for better or worse his statements.

"When it could endanger my plans?" Sasuke looked at her as if she was supposed to be understanding something. She clearly wasn't getting it.

She cocked her head to the side. "Could it?"

As far as she knew, Leader only wanted information. He had given her no such mission to terminate or foil any actions taken by the boy before her.

Sasuke's patience with her snapped then as he drew his sword from its scabbard, holding it up towards her as she looked on in her delicate perch. She knew that distance meant little to him. Even with her up so high, he could close the gap within seconds and she'd be done for.

She felt nothing at the thought of her demise.

"Do you even care if you die?" he asked, eyes on hers.

Kino stared back silently.

The silence was thick but not with emotion. His cloying intent was back in action and the pin prick feeling was back in her heart, the pressure on her shoulders like that of a four hundred pound man laying on top of her.

When it left her, it was as sudden as it had come and traces of it lingered with the buzz and smell of lightning on her skin.

"I'll use you as mine then."

She blinked and felt her brows raise just a fraction.

"I'm not yours to use."

"Why not?" he asked, his sharp eyes marked with cunning. "I'll let you go back to your leader if you agree to return to me with something as valuable as what I've given you today."

"I will be unable to do that," she informed him truthfully.

"Then I'll kill you."

"You shouldn't."

"Why shouldn't I?"

"Because then I could not complete my mission."

"This mission to spy on me."

She turned quiet.

"Either you're mine or you die," he summarized.

"Then I die."

**声が聞こえた**

She didn't die.

Rather, she was taken.

"Anyone who can hide as well as you, can be made useful," he told her.

"But you found me," she reminded him.

"No one can hide from me," he stated bluntly though she suspected that there were a few who could. He seemed to sense her doubt as he looked at her sharply. "Never for long."

Kino was not prone to shivering but...

It ran up her spine.

"You look cold," he murmured, eyes trained on hers.

"No," she told him. "I'm...fine."

It was strange to say. She had not said the words in a very long time.

Kino looked down at her hands, bound as they were.

"I will be useless to you," she informed him, surprised as she continued, "I am not good."

"I won't let this be an hour wasted on you," he informed her, his eyes feeling like daggers pointed at her. "I'll either have a very useful tool or get in some more practice with my sword by the end of this week. It'll be your choice."

"But I've already told you that you can kill me," she pointed out to him, confused as to why it was still a question in his head.

"And never know who sent you? No, before I kill you, I'll get everything I want out of you."

A sudden thought struck her then.

She tilted her chin up and kept her gaze steady with his.

"You'll have to break my chains to do that."

**私を見つけた。**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Language Guide;
> 
> 私の中 - watashi no naka - inside of me
> 
> 君 が いた - kimi ga ita - you were there
> 
> 声が聞こえた - koe ga kikoeta - I heard your voice
> 
> 私を見つけた - watashi wo mitsuketa - I am found.


	2. Chapter 2

When she was younger, she was taken in by a man who she inevitably thought she would die for. It was the way of the world she had been raised in. Die for your lord and live for your lord. There was no in between.

Kino could only stare at the lifeless form of a man who had once seemed larger than a god in her eyes. But she could not look at him for long. Her eyes always traveled back to that man with the dark, hooded eyes.

"Speak," he ordered, in a tone she felt compelled to respond to.

Perhaps it was because of the way he looked. Fresh after a battle, clothes tinged with burns and coated in soot and dirt. She'd never seen him like this but she could recognize his voice and expression.

There was no mistaking who was in front of her.

"Hello," she murmured in as bright a tone as she could manage.

"You asked me to break your chains," Sasuke reminded her with a smile. He took a step towards her, lifted his hand to her cheek and watched as her eyes widened.

Then he dipped forward, ever so slightly and she caught him just in time before he could hit the ground.

" _And I have_ ," he whispered.

"Does that mean that I'm yours?" she wondered out loud but never did receive an answer.

Perhaps she had always known.

_I've been yours all along._

**大丈夫ですか？**

After the war, she had nothing.

Nothing—except him.

And in the end, he had many people.

Kino remained by his side for an entire week. Not because he dragged her around like he had in the past, but because she took his presence as her lord very seriously. Like a shadow, she hung just a short distance away. She would be prepared if he ever needed her.

_If_  becomes a very powerful word, because every day it leaned slightly more to the path of unlikely.

And even her ability to stay by his side became tested by the new government taking hold in Konoha.

They didn't know what to do with him and thus, they didn't know what to do with her.

"Who is she anyway?" the blonde shinobi asked, and it was the one who was the closest to her master. He wasn't the only one who had asked but she wondered if he would be the only one that would be told the truth.

Kino kept her silence, hands clasped over her lap and her body poised perfectly in the seiza position. She didn't know what to say, even if she  _did_  decide to speak, so for the most part, she left the responsibility in Sasuke's capable hands.

"Ahh," he sighed out, and he lifted a hand up to scratch his chin. "I wonder who she is now..."

"Is she your..." a new voice trailed off, and it was the girl with pink hair that had been glaring at her every chance she got. She was fierce and without even having needed to have seen her in battle, Kino knew that she was stronger than her.

In truth, everyone in the room was stronger than her.

"I'm his to do what he wants with," Kino said softly, and it's for the first time that entire week.

They all look surprised. From the blonde, all the way to the silver-haired ninja who usually appeared not to have much interest at all in their conversations. Kino blinked but nothing came out of her mouth after that.

Because the door opened and in came someone she hadn't seen in years. Her breath catching was the only sound of surprise she released as she recognized him in sight.

They didn't exchange words. They said nothing and she thought very little. Instead, she moved as fast as she could; rising, manoeuvring around the table corner—Kino launched herself into his arms.

Sai didn't say a word himself, but his arms closed in around her waist and her cheek pressed against his chest as tight as she could. His heartbeat stilled her, and though she didn't think it was possible for her to cry, something inside her moved.

Kino, for the first time in her life, sobbed silently in his arms.

In the end, all she has left with to speak to him with was the words they created long ago through touch.

She wrote her message on his back, tapping the code through his clothes and hoping he could still understand.

_I missed you._

With an exhaled breath, he responded, his fingers brushing on her own back before spelling out words she had not heard in too long.

_I missed you too._

Someone pulled her away from him too soon but upon meeting onyx eyes, Kino didn't dare raise a complaint.

"Now I really wanna know," the blonde said out loud, cutting the tension in one stroke, "who is she?"

"She's my sister," Sai said first.

"My name is Kino," she added quietly.

"And what about your relationship to Sasuke?" the girl with pink hair asked.

"He's my lord," she answered, tone begging no questions.

Sasuke sighed, dropping a hand to her shoulder hard enough to make her blink before looking up. His expression was tight, his eyes dark and his jaw ever so slightly clenched. She wondered if she had said something wrong.

But in the end, he didn't correct her.

"She'll be staying with me in the Uchiha clan compound," Sasuke told them bluntly. "The Hokage should be able to go through the ROOT files and find her there among the members. Her right to be in Konoha shouldn't be challenged. She's as much a kunoichi of the leaf as Sakura is."

" _Except she was on the wrong side_ ," the pink haired girl muttered under her breath.

"I found Kino two and a half years ago after she'd been ordered to spy on me. Whatever side you're talking about, she was on mine throughout the war."

"Oh," the beautiful kunoichi breathed and held up her hands, flushing brightly. "I didn't mean it that way. I only..."

"She should be with me," Sai spoke up, surprising Kino with the life in his tone. "I'm her brother."

"I'll remain with Sasuke-dono," Kino disagreed firmly.

"We still don't know what Baa-chan will decide on what to do with Sasuke," the blonde chimed in with a frown, arms crossing over his stomach before he reclined a little further back.

The silver-haired ninja sighed in the background. "You know, some things never changed. All of you still know how to argue with each other. Whatever the Godaime decides to do in the end, she said that there's no reason Sasuke can't return to his home. If he wants to take her with him, then he can do just that."

"Even if she could pose a threat to security?" the girl asked, looking concerned.

"She doesn't look as if she will," the silver-haired shinobi answered with a shrug.

"Whatever Sasuke-dono asks of me, I will do. Whatever Sasuke-dono asks me not to do, I will not do," Kino attempted to explain herself. It felt like even more, none of them was properly able to understand the core of her motivation.

"You don't have to go so far for me, idiot," Sasuke muttered, taking his hand away from her shoulder and leaving to sit back down. She trailed after him, uncertain but hoping it didn't know on her face.

_But wasn't that the deal? A broken chain in turn for servitude to help meet his goals?_

It was in that time that it actually struck her—the realization that it might have been that he didn't need her at all anymore. In two years, things had changed. His goals had perhaps been met and if he had nothing...she had nothing.

Kino didn't know where that left her.

In the end, she knew no life that didn't involve an order.

That night, though they slept in the same room, they said nothing to each other.

She was too hesitant to ask him what any of it meant.

**私は言わない**

"I'll clean the house today while you are away," Kino informed Sasuke as soon as he woke up.

He squinted at her, clearly annoyed, but after blowing out a breath, he sat up and shook his head. "I don't have anywhere to be today, so we'll clean it together."

"You don't have to," she murmured. "I'm quite skilled at cleaning. I've also already cooked breakfast and prepared clothes for the day. Something suitable for training, as your teammates invited you out for it."

"Tch." Sasuke looked away, muttering, "so you we're listening."

"Of course," Kino tried for a smile.

Sasuke sighed, and ran his fingers through his hair, "It doesn't matter. I'll go tomorrow. Today, we'll clean."

She wondered if she should argue but didn't have it in her. If it was what he wanted to do, then she couldn't stop him.

"Okay," she said, voice soft, and added, "but you still need to eat breakfast."

At that, he said nothing else, just stood up and padded his way barefoot to the room where the smell of food was strongest.

**そうすればあなたは気付かないから。**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Language Guide;
> 
> 大丈夫ですか？- daijōbudesuka - Are you okay?
> 
> 私は言わない - iwanai - I won't say
> 
> そうすればあなたは気付かないから。- sō sureba anata wa kidzukanaikara - Because it's like this, you don't notice.


	3. Chapter 3

The first time she ever got sick, she was a child. She can't remember how old she was, but she was indeed small—and incredibly pitiful.

They kept her fever a secret in the only way they knew how. Hushed murmurs, touches cascading along shoulders, palms, and backs, and saved by the knowledge of a hidden storage room no one seemed to check.

Throughout the dry-heaving and cold sweat breaking out across her body, her brother remained at her side. He washed her with their drinking water, replaced her dirty clothes with his, and though they could not speak for a long time, he told her without words that he was taking care of her duties.

_Get well soon,_ he always told her.

Afterwards, shamed by her weakness and overwhelmed in gratitude she didn't know how to express, she vowed she would never become a burden on her brother again.

It had been a very long time since she thought of that time.

**私は何が残ってるの、あなたに与えるために？**

"Stay in bed for the day," her master ordered her.

"Why?" she managed to ask, barely able to breathe.

"Because you're sick."

His tone was emotionless, but cutting all at the same time.

Sasuke left her—breakfast uncooked, beneath a pile of blankets and with a cloth on her forehead that had gone dry a while ago.

It reminded her of the second time she'd taken ill, just after she'd come to live with Sasuke in Orochimaru's hideout. Her life there had been extremely boring and she was kept hidden there too. She wasn't sure if it was a kindness, but nevertheless, she never so much as caught a glimpse of the Sannin, or anyone else for that matter.

It was as if the world melted down and only the two of them were left.

When she got sick, that changed.

Near to vomiting and heated to the point of delirium, Kino could only recall being told to bite.

That was when she was introduced to a girl around her age, and soon after, when Sasuke decided to pursue his goals and form Hebi, two others. Karin, Juugo, and Suigetsu—they had such nice names and though they were sometimes unfriendly to her, she had liked them.

Kino had not seen them in weeks.

Shifting in bed, covered in sweat and drowning in the heat of the blankets, Kino didn't allow herself to get out of bed. Water was a short distance away but she refused to disobey. If he wanted her to, she would die.

It was as she was close to vomiting the dinner she'd cooked for them last night, that she heard the door sliding open.

Sasuke entered with a frown on his face, with the pink haired girl following close behind him with a scowl on her face to match his.

Kino attempted to sit up but struggled.

"Lay down," he ordered and she promptly gave up. She didn't know what sort of expression she was making, but it surely wasn't a happy one.

"Sasuke," the pink haired girl sighed, lifting her hand to her forehead, "why is she lost in a mountain of blankets? You're going to suffocate her!"

"I'm fine," Kino mumbled, not sure if she liked her master getting chided when he'd done nothing wrong.

Green eyes narrowed in on her in a glare and if she wasn't already laying down, she would have shrunk back. She was beginning to remind her of Karin.

Silence pervaded.

"Hello," Kino said, attempting to break it. She felt close to passing out.

"Sasuke, get out," the girl ordered and with a exasperated sigh, he did.

It was in a flurry of motion that the blankets were taken away, save for one, and her pillow was replaced with a firmer one. Then came a thorough and rough sponge bath that left red marks across her arms and possibly on her back. She didn't register the pain, and they disappeared quickly enough. Finally, an end came in the form of changed clothes and cold compress being placed on her forehead.

"Don't you dare move. I'll come back with congee and something for you to drink," the girl said, tone begging no complaints.

"Ok," Kino said softly, wondering if she was hated.

She fell asleep moments later, unsure of what she could do if she was.

**背負った罪を隠したんだ**

It felt like a mix between seconds and hours had passed before the girl returned with soup and bottled tea. During that time, Sasuke must have come in because he was sitting beside her, reading one of the books they'd unearthed from the library they had cleaned yesterday.

"Is it interesting?" she asked softly, watching the still nameless woman come in with a warmed pot before sitting on her other side. She couldn't say another word, as soon there was a spoon pressed to her mouth and she was forced to eat.

"A little. Just history that I already knew, so far," Sasuke answered with a sigh before dog-earring the page he was on and setting it aside. He looked over and watched as Kino took another mouthful.

Something must have spilled over because after reaching over and swiping at her chin, Sasuke licked his finger with no expression on his face.

"You two are close," the girl muttered under her breath.

Kino was at a loss for what to say.

"I suppose we are," he murmured, picking his book up and leaving the room.

"What's your name?" Kino took the chance of his absence to ask.

"Sakura Haruno," was the answer, then, "what are you to Sasuke?"

_Didn't I answer that?_

"A servant."

Sakura looked at her as if she didn't believe her but with an exhale, she asked, "What do you think of him then?"

Kino paused.

It was only seconds later that she realized she didn't know how to answer.

"He's...my master," she attempted it nevertheless, "and he is...kind and thoughtful."

"Do you like him?" Sakura continued to press, leaning forward to the point that Kino could feel her breath on her face.

"Yes," she answered without thinking, too panicked by the closeness to think.

It was the wrong thing to say. Sakura's face screwed up and though Kino didn't understand it, she knew she had hurt her.

"He is to me as...your teacher is to you?" Kino tried again.

"Oh, is that so?" Sakura's voice was faint and she shook her head, her expression changing as if it was as easy as breathing to her. She was smiling. "If that's true then I don't have anything to worry about, do I?"

Distantly, Kino could recall Karin telling her something similar.

"Do you like him?" she asked, wondering if it was the sort of 'like' that Karin had for her master.

Sakura's expression turned soft, and if possible, she became even more beautiful. Her green eyes shone and reflected quietly a tenderness Kino had never so much as glimpsed in another person before. Softly, she said, "Yes. I love him."

Kino leaned back onto the futon, and tried to mimic the smile that Sakura had shown.

"That's nice," she breathed.

The girl hummed happily.

"Alright, Kino-chan," Sakura's voice changed, becoming much more upbeat and friendly. "I'll give Sasuke a list of instructions in taking care of you. I hope you get better soon and be sure to eat all of the congee! My mother made that with love."

"Ok," she mumbled, trying hard to keep her eyes open.

Sasuke came in moments later after Sakura had left.

"That woman never shuts up," he muttered, coming to lay beside her on the futon.

Kino shifted to look at him but made sure to keep a distance. She was sick, after all.

"And you," he continued, watching her, "don't speak enough."

It was with those words that she fell asleep thinking of, coating her night in a dreamless sleep with the only interruptions being when Sasuke forced her to eat more and helped to change the compress on her forehead. In was in those times that she felt something stir inside of her, something warm that made her eyes wet. It was, in the end, another show of his kindness.

Again, she made the vow—never to be a burden on her master or his friends again.

**愛情のために**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Language Guide;
> 
> 私は何が残ってるの、あなたに与えるために？- watashi wa nani ga nokotteru no, anata ni ataeru tame ni - What do I have left to give you?
> 
> 背負った罪を隠したんだ - seotte tsumi wo kakushitan da - I hid the sins I carried
> 
> 愛情のために - aijouno tame ni - For the sake of affection/love (emotional love)


	4. Chapter 4

"Be careful of touching those. They're old," Sasuke told her and with a little more of a gentle touch than she was already using, Kino lifted the scrolls off from the top shelf. She adjusted her hold as she shifted her weight and with no hesitance, she jumped from the top of the ladder. Her feet landed with a thud but in her arms was the barely disturbed box of scrolls.

"Do you think these will have anything interesting?" she wondered out loud, setting the box on top of a large desk nearly covered inch by inch with books and other sorts of paper. They were cleaning the elder's private study and so far, they hadn't found anything interesting enough to hold a conversation over. She hoped that box would be different.

If Kino wasn't so bad at talking with people, perhaps she wouldn't have needed it.

She blew out a breath and tried not to show how tired she already was.

"This room was off limits for a reason," he informed her, looking at a scroll and frowning from his place at the far end of the table. When he glanced up, she tried not to expose her exhaustion by turning to gaze at the rest of the boxes she had yet to bring down. She wasn't sure she was being very convincing—he had a strange way of knowing what every little change in her meant.

It was as she was thinking this when something hit her in the shoulder. Kino caught it as it fell without thinking and opened her hand to find an elastic hair tie. She blinked.

"Your hair has grown longer," was all he said before returning to the scroll in his hand.

Confused by his kindness, Kino breathed out softly before moving to pull her hair up. It was the first time that she realized how long her hair had really grown. It seemed like it was still shoulder-length but instead, it fell just a bit above her elbow. She was surprised she hadn't noticed. Most ROOT members were instructed to keep their hair cut short.

Just another piece of proof that she was  _his_  and not anyone else's.

"Do you like it?" she asked, and angled herself in the way she'd seen Sakura do that morning when she'd come by to drop off snacks and check on them.

Kino had been fascinated by the way she carried herself and had practiced in front of the mirror, if only to see if she would be able to do it herself.

Sasuke looked at her and just as quickly, he looked away.

"Get back to work," he ordered.

Kino turned to gaze at the shelves and had to withhold a sigh.

_Failure._

**二人だけの秘密基地を**

Kino sat up in bed and unknowingly hefted his arm off of her.

Then she blinked, noticing for the first time the dark eyes watching her through long lashes.

"Good morning," she whispered and twisted so that she could stare back at him.

"Are you happy?" he asked, quiet and out of nowhere.

"Happy?" she repeated, confused.

"Nothing," he sighed, shifting onto his back as he glared up at the ceiling. "Not something an idiot like you would understand."

Kino mirrored his actions and watched wordlessly as the sun rose up without a sound and cascaded a shadow over everything. For some reason, she was still thinking about what he'd asked even though he'd told her it was nothing. It made her wonder—was it really nothing? How could he look that way, and say it was nothing? What had he wanted her to say after asking her that?

Happiness?

She knew what the word meant but couldn't comprehend what it  _actually_  meant. At least not in the context he gave her.

Was  _she_  happy? Was she  _happy_?

"Yes," she finally said out loud, still fretting over the meaning and wondering if she was expected to stay quiet.

"That's good," he muttered lowly.

"I'll go make breakfast now," she told him and tossed off the blankets faster than she could pull down the shirt that had rode up in her sleep.

Behind her, she heard a sigh but regardless, she kept her mission in mind and made it to the kitchen with her mind still disordered.

_Happiness_?

"What is that?" she whispered out loud.

No one could tell her.

**誰にも内緒で**

"When you see your brother, you can invite him over for dinner, or something," Sasuke told her, rubbing the back of his neck and leaning against the doorway. He looked tired and she worried if he was catching the fever she'd only just barely recovered from. With a mental note to pick up the ingredients for congee, just in case, she placed his wallet in her bag.

Kino nodded, distracted by her thoughts but all the same, attempting to make an effort to listen diligently.

"Should I ask anyone else over as well? Haruno-san? Uzumaki-san?"

"No, don't bother. They'd only make a mess," he muttered, then made a face, adding, "and don't use their last names. You don't have to bother with honorifics either."

"Understood," she told him and felt the edges of her mouth quirk up.

Embarrassed, she covered it with her hand and turned towards the door.

"Get some ice while you're out too, it's starting to get hot."

With one last nod in his direction, Kino opened the door and stepped out into the sweltering heat of the outside.

"Oh? Kino-chan?" A new voice made her look up just in time to see blue flashing eyes and a bright grin.

"Uzu-Naruto-san," Kino mumbled in acknowledgment and continued walking.

"Are you heading out for something?" he asked, seeming to switch gears as he followed beside her.

"For groceries. We're beginning to run a little low."

"He eats about as much as I do. Sorry you have to suffer like this," he said, grinning.

She blinked in surprise but shifted her attention back towards the road. "I'm not suffering," she added, almost in an afterthought.

"So," he laughed to himself, "you do all the cooking then? Laundry too?" Before she could answer, he laughed again, this one sounding more like the bark of a dog. "As expected, he loses just one arm and like a baby, he had to get someone else to do all his chores."

"Do you know him well?" she asked and she wondered to herself why but couldn't find a reason. Just that she did.

Naruto blinked at her, caught off guard before releasing a demure chuckle. "Do I know him well? I mean, I'm his best friend! Of course I know him better than anyone in the entire world! We also sort of have this strange destiny that transcends time and lives, so I think I know him better than anyone ever will too. Probably makes me sound arrogant but...a lot of people only misunderstand and never take the time to really  _get_  him. You know what I'm saying?"

No, she didn't. He'd lost her somewhere in the middle of it all but she didn't want to let him see that, so she nodded.

"He's like happiness," she said, mostly to herself, "something you think you understand but don't really."

Naruto stared at her and right before she kept walking, he reached out to stop her. Kino paused.

"You must really like that bastard!" he said, grinning as broadly as ever, then laughed.

It must have been from the heat, possibly a rise in the temperature, but her face grew hot enough that her eyes began to tear up.

"Like him?" she echoed, confused by yet another phrase she had never been able to grasp very well.

Karin and Sakura had both used it but clearly evident in the way they acted, it was something much more complicated than things appeared.

"Crap," Naruto muttered and reached out a hand to touch her face, "you don't have to cry. I didn't mean to make you upset."

"I'm not upset," she swiftly denied.

He didn't seem to believe her, wiping off the tears that slipped down her cheeks.

"Still, I'm sorry. When I have time, I'll treat you to a bowl of ramen at a place I know," he promised her and then squinted at her. Naruto looked confused for a moment, then mumbled, "Ya know, now that I see your face up close, you're pretty cute. Didn't think I'd say that about someone related to Sai."

Kino wasn't sure if it was an insult against her brother, or her, so she left it alone.

"I have to go now," she informed him. "I hope you enjoy your visit."

With a quick bow, Kino hurried away.

Kino had not felt wetness at her cheeks for a very long time—it was a bit disturbing.

**今 二人幸せを繋いでる**

"You know, it's weird," Sakura said that night, having invited herself over for dinner as soon as she caught wind of it. Also joining them was her brother, Naruto, and a blonde girl who she had yet to catch the name of.

"What's weird?" Naruto wondered, taking a swig from his bottle of tea.

"This place is so big and I don't see you guys using anything but these few rooms," Sakura noted.

The blonde girl blinked and her eyes widened. "No way." She turned to look at Kino. "Do you share a room with Sasuke-kun?"

She nodded absent-mindedly, too busy watching to see if Sasuke needed anything.

Around her came a collection of gasps—even one from Sai, who looked not even a little surprised as he continued to blandly smile.

"I'm so jealous!" Naruto cried, in the same time that Sakura slammed her fist against his face. He gave a weak sob before turning to look at Sasuke, undeterred. "So the both of you are really like that?"

"Don't be an idiot," Sasuke muttered, calmly taking another bite of his food.

"Didn't think you had it in you, to be so close with another person," the blonde girl admitted and at the look of Sakura, she shrugged. "What? It's true. None of  _us_  ever got so close. They've been together, what, two years? Something like that, at least. From personal experience, I'd say it's best to quietly admit defeat when you know you've lost."

"By the way," Sakura interjected, tone shifting as if she was trying to move the conversation elsewhere, "what was your first meeting like? Like, your first impression of each other."

"He didn't kill me," Kino answered and even though she felt the corners of her mouth lift up in the way she knew looked odd, she added, "and even when I told him I couldn't stay, he kidnapped me. It was then that I knew he was truly kind."

The room went silent and looks she was not apart of were exchanged. Sasuke coughed.

"What the hell?" Naruto burst out, lifting his hands up in the air in the form of fists, "this entire time I could have just kidnapped a girl to get her to love me!?"

Sakura slapped him after that and muttered, "No, that's a felony, you idiot."

"What about you, Sasuke," Sai said, voice breaking through the hostile air, "what did you think of my sister the first time you met?"

Everyone went quiet and stilled, save for Kino who continued to eat as if she wasn't present in the conversation. They all looked eager to know what he would say but Kino decided that she perhaps would rather keep herself from hearing it. But that didn't stop anything.

Sasuke sighed deeply and after what looked like long deliberation, he finally answered.

"I thought she was annoying but could prove useful, so I kept her."

Kino paused at that and blinked. The word echoed in her head.

_Annoying._

"I apologize," she murmured, "for being a nuisance."

Sasuke looked regarded her with a heavy gaze, chin in his hand and looking as he always did when she did something he didn't like.

Then, he shifted his attention back to his plate and bluntly stated, "As long as you know."

"So mean," Naruto whined, "at least treat her a little nicer if you like her."

"I don't like her," Sasuke instantly denied.

"Ehh? Then why do you let her stay?"

For that, neither of them had an answer.

Kino kept her eyes trained on the table and chewed the food without tasting it. She kept her face devoid of emotion but unbeknownst to her, something must have been there. Sai tapped her foot with his from underneath the table and in the end it turned out to be a simple message.

_I'm here_.

She didn't know what word would suit the emotion she felt best, but perhaps it would be called... _comfort._

Even Sakura and the blonde girl gave her looks of sympathy.

"This idiot is happy taking my orders so it doesn't matter if I need her or not," Sasuke finally said in a dead tone, lifting his head off his hand to go back to eating. "It's her choice if she leaves or stays."

Kino couldn't help but smile at that.

"Now, shut up, eat, and get out of my house," Sasuke concluded with a glare.

"Eh? Eh?" Naruto laughed. "Like that, it really does sound like you like her!"

"What did I just say, moron?"

"Bully," the blonde muttered, sneaking a glance at Kino long enough to blink one eye at her.

She squinted at him but kept her silence as per ordered and turned her attention back to eating.

That night, she got to sleep with Sai tucked by her side and with Sasuke on her other, his arm wrapped around her waist.

Kino thought, perhaps that was all she needed to be happy.

**たまにはそんな強がりを思い込んで**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Language Guide;
> 
> 二人だけの秘密基地を - futari dake no himitsu kichi wo - A secret base for the two of us
> 
> 誰にも内緒で - darenimo naisho de - A secret to everyone
> 
> 今 二人幸せを繋いでる - ima futari shiawase wo tsunaideru - Right now, we are connected in happiness
> 
> たまにはそんな強がりを思い込んで - tama ni wa sonna tsuyogari wo omoikonde - Sometimes it doesn't hurt to believe that it's true


	5. Chapter 5

When he woke up, he was expecting to feel the tell-tale heat of another person beside him.

What he didn't expect would be someone clinging to him to the point of suffocation. For a blinding moment, Sasuke reacted as if it were a threat and promptly chucked the intruder off of him. It was seconds later, when opening his eyes, that he realized his mistake. He'd just tossed Sai off of him and had broken a vase that had been an unfortunate bystander.

Sasuke groaned.

Habitually, Kino kept a distance that he respected. There was no telling what his arm would get up to in the night but for all intents and purposes, they had something resembling space between them. Something he was often grateful for.

That space evaporated entirely when it came to her brother.

He'd seen it when they reunited—the glimpse of foreign tears—and he'd witnessed it again when they'd settled in for the night. The way they'd clung together and the conversation they seemed to wordlessly be having.

Sasuke was used to a lot of dark emotions but he wasn't quite sure how to make of this one.

"What happened?" Kino asked as she came in, wiping her hands on an apron tied around her waist. For a moment, Sasuke forgot what he was doing and just took in the sight of her.

He wasn't even sure why he cared to look but as always, he found himself inching his gaze down her body, attempting to composite the details of her he couldn't help but notice. Her hair was tied up, a style that revealed the curve of her neck and fully showcased the bright gold eyes that sometimes got lost when her hair was down. Sasuke could even see the birthmark at the base of her throat, as well as a scar he didn't know how she'd received. He didn't get why he was thinking of all these things and would rather stop himself, if he only could.

Even if he didn't hate looking at her.

Kino took in the scene, face unreadable, and rushed to her brother's side without another word. Tch.  _Annoying_. It was that bastard's fault anyway. Sasuke would take no responsibility, even if asked nicely.

"What did you do to Sasuke-dono?" Kino asked, her expression tightening in that delicate way that indicated a frown.

He was just a bit surprised at the question and so was her brother. He'd expected something different. With a sigh, Sasuke covered up his mouth before it could do anything embarrassing.

"I wanted to make friends with him so I hugged him," Sai blankly stated, smiling, "but he kicked me and I ended up here." When standing up, he paused. "I think I have some injuries on my rectum."

Kino went silent as she left the room and returned with some of her own clothes. "I think these will fit you for now. I'll take a look at your cuts in a moment."

Sai acknowledged her with a nod before stripping of his clothes and somehow finding his way into an even more revealing ensemble. Whatever their genealogy, Kino was dwarfed in comparison to her brother who barely managed to squeeze into her kimono. Neither of them made a comment on it, just sort of stared at each other when normal people would be laughing.

It'd taken a bit of time for Sasuke to tolerate  _one_  Kino. It was absolutely out of the question, him accepting another one.

With an irritated sigh, Sasuke stood up and yanked a yukata out at random before tossing it towards Sai.

"You look ridiculous. Change."

"Thank you so much, Sasuke-dono," Kino murmured, her lips quirking.

It was that weird expression she sometimes got on her face. At one point he had thought it meant something bad, but the more he was able to read her, he had come to recognize it as an attempt towards smiling. Just a little bit, she was kind of—not really—cute, when she did it.

Sasuke nodded towards her and kept the sigh in him clamped down.

"Breakfast will be ready soon," she informed him and without anything else to add, she turned and left the room as suddenly as she had entered.

"I never want to wake up like this again," Sasuke muttered darkly.

Idiot siblings.

**心が縋 り望む「奇跡」に 何を求め合う？**

Sai left soon after eating, wounds dressed and still wearing the yukata Sasuke had kindly donated. Though her brother had tried to return it, Sasuke had been insistent that he would rather burn it, than take it back. Again, Kino was astounded by his beneficiary and noble mindset.

She was so lucky to have him as her master.

They would be in the elder's quarters again that day, on the far end of the Uchiha clan compound. It was a bit of a walk away from the house they were actually inhabiting but she liked that. The place was too big to navigate sometimes, so rather than get a head start, Kino normally waited for Sasuke so that they could walk together. She'd come to want these walks even more as time passed. They were ' _special_ ' to her.

Not everyday, but sometimes, Sasuke would talk a little about the past. About what things used to be like—from the people, to their customs, their relationships, and even their hopes and dreams if he could remember them. Then, other times, he talked about the things they would need to do in order to get the entire compound back in shape. They were usually lists that Kino memorized as he told her them—lists like, what they needed to buy, needed to replace, rooms to clean out, things they could do with the place once they finished cleaning everything.

It didn't matter what they talked about, really—it was just comforting to hear his voice and feel as if she was taking part in something important to him. That she was also one of the many things needed. Really, she was so  _happy_.

Though, today was a little different.

"Do you like this place?" he asked as he one-handedly adjusted the tie on her obi. It was something he seemed to be particular about but Kino had yet to notice what specific way he wanted her to tie her obi. Again, she kept a careful watch to see but continued to remain unsure.

"Like?" she echoed, distracted as she looked instead to the way his sash was tied around his waist. It looked a little messy—maybe he preferred it that way?

"Yeah, do you enjoy being here?" he asked, meeting her gaze and holding it.

It was just as confusing as the happiness question—but she had figured that one out, hadn't she?

"Yes," she answered, still unsure if she was answering right.

"What do you like about it?" he pressed, gently nudging her out the door as the both of them walked a slower pace than usual towards the elder's district.

"It's big," she noted, "and there's a lot of work involved."

Silence.

Intimidated by it, Kino grasped for something more to say or add. Filling her cheeks with air, she slowly released it and focused on thinking. What  _did_  she like?

For some reason, she thought of Karin and Sakura. The expressions on their faces the moment they talked about everything they expressed fondness for. They said it easily, without thinking. So why did she have to take pause? Was it something to even think about at all? Kino envied them—the simple words they used to express themselves. Words she didn't know how to use or even knew if they applied to her.

Was she really so different from them?

Kino stopped in her tracks.

"I like it because you're here," she whispered, wondering why she couldn't say it louder.

Sasuke paused and looked back. He looked surprised, his eyes widening ever so slightly. Something inside of Kino moved and she thought perhaps it was her heart.

"I like you," she informed him, this time more firmly.

He said nothing, only held out his hand and waited for her to take it.

She did.

**「おやすみ」**

"We should bring a gift," Kino decided, unpacking the groceries from the bags she had carried home.

"Why?" Sasuke asked and she blinked at him, confused.

"I read in a book my brother lent me," she explained, returning to unloading and stocking the cupboards. "When visiting other homes, it's best to bring a gift."

"I guess, but I've never done that before," he said lowly. "Why start now?"

"Sakura-san told me that your teacher will be announcing his intent to take on the role of the Rokudaime," Kino informed him absentmindedly, still wondering what she would bring. If it was for a celebration, her mind instantly went to food. But others would bring that too and wouldn't they be troubled with too much? She tilted her head, gazing down at the ingredients she'd bought for their next breakfast.

"I'll bring him a technique scroll or something from the elder's library," he told her after a moment of them deliberating in silence. Then he lifted his hand to her head and ruffled her hair. "Don't worry about it so much."

"Ok," she agreed, then tried for one of the smiles she'd been practicing with her brother.

For a second, she thought the sound Sasuke made was a laugh but later, she wondered if it was a cough.

A moment passed and after, it felt like too soon that he excused himself to retrieve the gift.

Without thinking too much on it, she decided she liked his hand in her hair.

**繰り返す言葉に 悲しみを覚えてく**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Language Guide;
> 
> 心が縋 り望む「奇跡」に 何を求め合う？- kokoro ga sugari nozomu "kiseki" ni nani wo motomeau? - What do our heart's desire in this "miracle" we wished for?
> 
> 「おやすみ」- oyasumi - "Goodnight"
> 
> 繰り返す言葉に 悲しみを覚えてく - kurikaesu kotoba ni kanashimi wo oboeteku - Within those repeated words, I feel sadness


	6. Chapter 6

"It's getting colder," she noted, wiping down a desk that had once been covered in dust. Kino tried not to sneeze every time a cloud floated up to meet her nose. Unfortunately, it was getting harder to ignore.

"We'll switch to winter clothes soon," he told her, working on replacing the shoji panels. He didn't look up, even as she dropped next to him to collect the old rice paper. With nothing to say herself, she took it in her arms and made her way to the trash.

They would be finishing up with the restorations soon and though she loathed to anticipate what they would do with their days when they had nothing else to do, there was still a sense of accomplishment that she couldn't deny. After all, they'd spent months on it and it was only then that they were establishing the finishing touches. In the end, nearly every house, every shack, every nook and cranny in the Uchiha clan compound had been scrubbed cleaned. Belongings from those in the past had been packed and stored away, books had been collected in the library and sorted at Sasuke's discretion, and each day that had passed brought something new to think about. Or something new to do.

It was habit forming—an expectation that it would always be like this. But Kino wasn't so naive about that. She knew without asking him that soon the both of them would be reinstated as shinobi when the Rokudaime took office. It was only a matter of time before everything changed. Only a matter of time...and her, attempting not to become even more selfish than she already was.

It was only because of that, and a desire not to always be an nuisance, that Kino for the first time in her life, was looking to other people.

With there being less and less to do around the compound, Kino had taken to reading books and they were proving quite useful in helping to figure out the people around her. At least,  _some_ people. Sakura, who she'd become closer to after the frequent visits and shared dinners, was easy to grasp. Ino wasn't as easy, but even Kino had managed to form something of a bond. She was introduced to others too; Hinata, Kiba, Shino, Choji, Shikamaru, and the list went on. So many people...all unique in their own way and complex beings she struggled to entirely understand. But the one most interesting, the one most layered in things Kino knew little about, was her master.

Naruto had been right when he told her not everyone could understand Sasuke.

It didn't stop her from trying.

**何気ない感情**

"Do you think he'd like something sweet to eat?" Kino asked, warm inside the coat Sasuke had lent her but breathing out puffs of white air into the cold winter air. It was going to get dark soon but around her, things were beginning to brighten as lights were hung up from the tops of busy shops.

Naruto shrugged. "I think he'd eat anything you give him. I'm just surprised he isn't fat yet."

"I'm surprised  _you_  aren't fat yet," Sai said with a calm smile painted on his face. Kino was a little jealous of how easy it seemed for him.

"I'll get him something warm," she decided and headed towards one of the vendors selling takoyaki.

"Careful," Naruto told her, catching her as someone knocked into her shoulder and upset her sense of balance.

Kino blinked at him before nodding and taking her wrist from him.

Then, miffed at the crowd spilling in from all sides, she took to the roofs and abandoned her brother and his friend. Dropping down in front of the vendor, she was careful not to spill the food already stashed away in her bags before meeting the gaze of the woman behind the counter. Kino had perhaps gotten a little too excited about the festival food but she would apologize to Sasuke and his wallet later.

Kino ordered quickly and just as quickly, left the stall with the goal in mind being to leave before another interruption.

She...failed at that.

Amazed at the sight of the happy faces all around her, it became difficult to move as she took to watching them instead. Many people, of all sorts, milled around and talked and ate. As she took the work to separate the noise, she found that a lot of them were laughing—many voices turning high-pitched and echoing with shrieks and fits of giggles. Kino had never witnessed anything like it.

"So this is what a festival is like," she whispered to herself and the words didn't even reach her ears.

"It's great, isn't it?" Naruto called to her and nudged her with his elbow.

"Yes," she agreed though she wasn't sure if he could hear her quiet voice.

He smiled at her as if he did.

"Come on," he invited her, pulling his arm around her shoulders, "let's go meet the man of the hour."

**あどけない気持ち**

Kakashi Hatake was a tired looking man but when he looked at her, it was as warm as the coat she was wearing.

"Are you taking care of him well?" he asked her and she didn't need to hear a name to know who he was talking about.

"Yes," she told him and then wondered if she actually was taking care of him or if it was the other way around. How should she have answered if it was the other way around?

"That's good," he said and it was the end of their conversation. After that, Naruto talked enough for all of them and at every chance he got, he reminded Kakashi that he was only keeping the hat warm for when he took it. Kino wasn't entirely certain what he meant by that but she supposed it meant Naruto wanted to be the nanadaime.

He'd be a good one, in her opinion. There was no one else she'd seen be so involved in the life of strangers.

"It's nice," she whispered to herself, and took another drink of the odd tasting liquid that had been handed to her. She didn't really like it but at the same time, she didn't want to waste it.

Kino wondered when she would be allowed to leave and had difficulty recalling how she had ended up at Kakashi's home with so many faces that she couldn't attach a name to. Of course, there was her brother, Naruto, Sakura, and Ino but there was no one else she was familiar with—and there was  _a lot_  of unfamiliars. Most importantly though, there was no Sasuke. He hadn't wanted to come after hearing how big the gathering would be.

Wondering what it was that made her chest tighten up the way it did, Kino set her emptied glass down and brought her knees up to her chin. It was best to close her eyes if she was going to map out how she would escape. She felt sick again.

"Kino-chan?"

She looked up to meet bright green eyes.

"Sakura-san," Kino murmured, surprised.

"Are you feeling okay?" she asked.

"I'm fine," she answered and after further thinking, she shook her head, "but a little tired. I think I'll be going home soon."

At that, Sakura pursed her lips. "I think you've had a little too much to drink. I'll go get Sasuke so he can take you home."

Too much to drink? How can someone have too much to drink? Confused as she was, Kino didn't say a word as Sakura turned her back and left.

"Why couldn't she have just taken me back herself if she was so worried?" she mumbled and rested her cheek on her knee.

"Because then she couldn't spend alone time with him," Sai explained to her, and for once he wasn't smiling.

"I guess, when you like someone, you want to spend more time with them." She nodded to herself and sighed in understanding.

Sai pulled in closer and placed his head against her shoulder.

"I like you," he told her.

Kino smiled at that and with the warmth provided by her brother, she dozed off—content.

**怖い考え**

Kino had the sensation of gently swaying and when she opened her eyes, she discovered she was on someone's back. From scent alone, she knew it was Sasuke.

"You came," she whispered and knew that the feeling pooling in the depths of her could only be called one thing—happiness.

"Of course. You can't make breakfast if you stayed the night."

"Right," she murmured before tightening her hold on him.

She should have told him to let her down but rather than that, she simply wanted to stay a little longer near his heat.

They were quiet as they made their way home.

**どんな「日々も」無駄じゃない**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Language Guide;
> 
> 何気ない感情 - nanigenai kanjou - nonchalant emotions
> 
> あどけない気持ち - adokenai kimochi - innocent feelings
> 
> 怖い考え - kowai kangae - scary thoughts
> 
> どんな「日々も」無駄じゃない - donna hibi mo muda ja nai - no kind of "everyday" is pointless


	7. Chapter 7

"What does this flower mean? What is it called?" Kino asked, turning to look at Ino for an answer.

"It's the tsubaki flower," she murmured, snipping one with scissors and coming to place it at Kino's ear. She smiled broadly. "A sender might mean to say that they're in love but it can also mean to perish gracefully."

_What an odd double meaning_ , Kino thought but didn't say.

"Though," Ino tapped her chin. "Of course it can mean both at the same time. As if to say, 'I love you but I'm giving up' or something like that."

"Ahh," Kino breathed and lifted her hand to paw at the petals tickling the skin of her cheek.

"You know," Ino added thoughtfully, flitting about the flower shop as she went back to making the arrangements Kino had interrupted, "I would have totally given that to Sasuke-kun, if I wasn't so sure he'd have no idea of the meaning."

"Why not explain it then?" Kino wondered, confused.

Ino made a face. "Then I might as well confess without the flower! I'd look totally uncool, handing over something to explain my feelings when I could have just outright explained it and ditched the middle-man."

Kino hummed her understanding, and turned her gaze back to the flower.

"Why give up?" she asked, not sure if it was one of those other things she just couldn't comprehend in the way others could.

"Well, because loving someone can be painful when they don't feel the same way," Ino responded, her tone absentminded.

"So, there exists times when someone doesn't like you back? Even when you like them?"

"Of course, it happens all the time." Ino cut the stems of a few more tsubaki flowers before coming to bring them into her ikebana arrangement. After, she paused and blinked over in Kino's direction. "Say...what is love to you?"

Caught off guard, Kino's jaw dropped but only for a second and she recovered soon enough. Mystified by the question, Kino shook her head. But she knew the answer this time around. "It's...liking something. Why?"

"You know, I've been thinking for a while that you're strange." Ino made a face and tutted her tongue before fixing her arrangement. "Kind of like Sai. I guess, it's just that you haven't realized that there's more than one type of love."

"There is?" Kino asked, stunned. "How many? What are they?"

Ino stared at her, silent. Then, with a sigh, she rested her hand against her forehead. " _Really_? You're that clueless? Of course, there's more than one type of love. There's the kind that makes you friends, the kind you share with family, and the kind you have with someone you're in love with."

"Aren't they all the same?" Kino asked, her blinks turning rapid. None of that made sense to her. At all.

"Then, do you feel the same way about me, that you do about your brother? Or that do about Sasuke-kun?"

"Ah," she breathed and paused. Bringing her hands to her cheeks, she puffed them with air and tried really hard to think as she blew the air out slowly. In the end, it was something she still couldn't understand. Closing her eyes, she thought about Ino first. A girl who had invited her out to eat a few times, that had gifted her with books, and had also offered to teach her about flowers for a garden in the compound.

She liked her a lot. Someone so friendly and easy to talk to. Someone who had an easy time thinking of others. Someone who accepted Kino as she was.

But, to feel the same way about her that she did about her brother was impossible, in the end.

After all, Sai had been with her in their time in the orphanage and had remained with her in ROOT. It had been her who had abandoned him there but even then, he didn't seem to mind. He liked her, she liked him. They spent a lot of time together and they had fun talking about people. About emotions and strange things that seemed so normal for everyone else. They understood each other to the very depths of their core. They had little they needed to explain to each other that wasn't already said.

Her brother, who might have not been her brother in the traditional sense, still remained the only person who's bond she knew would last a lifetime.

But Sasuke...

"None of them are the same," she realized.

"See? Even someone like you can understand it," and at that, Ino grinned. "So? What is that you feel for Sasuke-kun? You can trust me, got it?"

"How I feel for Sasuke?" she echoed and had a hard time coming up with a distinct answer. "I like him. He's very nice to me."

"Eh? But do you want to touch him?" she asked, eyes wide as she left her arrangement to be momentarily forgotten.

"Touch him? Well, sometimes I want to cut his hair. It gets too long and I can't see his eyes."

"No," Ino glared at her, frustrated. Then, with a look that had Kino leaning away from her, Ino whispered, "like, having  _sex_  with him."

"Sex?" Kino echoed and for some reason her heart jumped at the thought of Sasuke in that context.

"What? You don't even know what that is?" Ino groaned, "You're such a kid!"

"No, I know what it is," Kino informed her and at times in recalling it, she felt something inside her pull away. Somewhere distant, her emotions evaporated. "I was ordered to do things like that sometimes."

"What?" Ino asked, tone sharp. Her brows furrowed. "Are you kidding me!? I knew Danzo was a sick man but how...you were so young! You had to have been, if you've been with Sasuke for two years already. Ugh. It's absolutely  _disgusting_."

Kino flinched and she wasn't sure why, it almost felt for a moment that Ino was calling her that.  _Absolutely_ ** _disgusting_**

It was as Kino worked on stripping herself of feeling, that Ino hugged her. She pulled her close and squeezed so tightly, Kino couldn't breathe. Many thoughts drifted through her mind, but nothing so important as the feeling of gratitude and warmth. Ahh, it must have been the heat—but it was too cold outside to use that excuse.

Her eyes, without a doubt, were raining.

**だから 嘘でも本音でイエスの質問**

"We're having a girls night," Ino told Sasuke as soon as she saw him. Then, she stuck her tongue out at him, adding, "and none of you boys are allowed! Kino-chan will be staying at my place for the night too. So don't wait up."

"You know," Sasuke muttered, glaring at her, "I think I liked it better when you liked me."

"You missed your chance already, don't regret turning me down now!" Ino grinned and laughed as she said it, but her hold on Kino's shoulder tightened. She wasn't sure if it meant something special but it probably meant that Ino once saw Sasuke in the third type of like. Just like Sakura.

Kino glanced at her now and saw the pink haired girl looking a bit more subdued than usual. She looked...upset?

"Yeah, yeah." Sasuke waved Ino off with flick of his wrist. "Just don't bring her back weird. I don't want your ilk rubbing off on her."

Ino clicked her tongue and dragged Kino even closer towards her. "I'll do more than that. I'm going to make her mine. She'll be my wife, and I'll treat her  _waaay_  better than you do. Wouldn't you like that, Kino-chan?"

"I like Ino," Kino agreed, then blinked. "Is wife a type of friend?"

Ino squealed at that and the noise hurt her ears a little but it felt nice to see her happy.

"You are the absolute cutest thing, ever!"

"Hey, pig, we should get going if we're going to eat at that restaurant," Sakura interjected, standing up and placing her hands into her coat.

"Got it, forehead," Ino called back and shepherded Kino towards the door.

As they reached it, Kino paused and looked back at Sasuke. He stared at her and there was silence. Really, figuring out the way that she liked Sasuke was a little harder than she thought it would be.

"What?" he asked. "Did you forget something?"

"I made breakfast for the morning and dinner for two, if you want to invite Naruto-kun over." Then, with a grin she'd been practicing after watching Ino so much, she waved at him goodbye and followed after Ino and Sakura.

In the end, it didn't matter much how she felt about him.

**仲間はずれはどこへ行こう**

"He's the kind of guy that you have to play hard to get. He won't like you if you like him first. He's spent way too much time avoiding crazy girls only interested in his looks, so it only makes sense that he's like that."

"You sure know a lot about him," Kino noted.

"Of course! Never doubt a woman in love," Ino advised her sternly.

"Understood," Kino responded seriously.

"Ah~! I just want to make you mine forever, just so cute!" Ino wrapped her arm around her shoulder. Kino decided, moving in closer to her body warmth, that she liked her sweet scent. It smelled like the flower shop.

"Why are you even trying to help her?" Sakura asked, peeling an orange and keeping her distance at the far end of the couch.

"Because, this kid would be useless without it," Ino informed her and then laughed. "Seriously, she's in an even worse state than you were in! Already seventeen years old, and she didn't even know that there was more than one way to like someone. I swear, it's like—well, it's like I have a daughter. I'm trying to raise her right."

"I never knew my mother," Kino murmured, wondering if her relationship with Ino was the mirror of what it could have been like.

"And what, do you expect pity for it?" Sakura asked, looking up for the first time since she began peeling oranges.

"Sakura, what the hell—?"

"Why would I?" Kino asked, unsure if she was missing something. "There are a lot of people like me, who never knew their parents. It's not something to pity in another person. Just something that couldn't have been helped."

"Right," Sakura muttered and looked away again.

Kino frowned and looked down at her fingers which, for a reason she wasn't aware of, were shaking.

"Did I do something wrong?" she asked. "Are you mad at me?"

"No," she answered with a sigh. "You didn't do anything."

"C'mon, Sakura, what's wrong? This was supposed to be a fun time with just the three of us! We ditched the boys for a reason, you know."

"Yeah, so you can help Kino get with Sasuke," Sakura muttered, popping the orange slices in her mouth.

" _What_?" Ino looked stunned. "Are you  _kidding_  me? Is that what has had you in such a sour mood? You're jealous?"

Sakura pursed her lips and kept her silence by eating the rest of her orange.

Kino looked at her hands, shaking as they were. She didn't understand why they were doing that, only that everything else made her feel like she was sick. She hoped she wasn't actually ill. Attempting to reign in her breath and her thoughts, Kino closed her eyes. In the dark, silencing the voices of the girls around her, she tried to figure out what Sakura had meant.

Helping her get with Sasuke? What did that...was it a reference to the third kind of like? Ino had described that feeling as being 'in love', but Kino still wasn't sure what that meant. Ino had related it back to sex but even then, Kino had never connected 'liking someone' with that sort of act. She'd always thought it was something that took too long and in the end, left her feeling like she needed a shower. But it sounded like it was meant to be a positive?

_People really are weird._

Kino hated this—thinking and thinking but coming to no conclusions that made sense.

"So, Sakura-san wants to have sex with Sasuke-dono and Sakura-san is worried that Ino-chan will make me...have it with him?" Kino looked at the girls who stared back at her, jaws hanging open. She felt like she was back to square one in learning how to handle a kunai. Back when she kept holding it wrong, to the point that she kept cutting herself. At the time, she thought she'd never be able to do as well as the others. She'd been afraid and... _frustrated_.

"What weird things have you been teaching her?" Sakura blurted out, punching Ino in her arm. Her cheeks were redder than usual.

"Am I right?" she asked, clasping her hands together and looking at the both of them intently.

"Pretty much!" Ino said, grinning.

"So, what I'm gathering, is that the third type of like is...limited. You can only like one person, in that way?" Kino looked at Ino for confirmation.

"Well, I guess it could be more than one person, but it's not too common." Ino hummed to herself before brightening and bursting out into laughter. "I know! The both of you should just become sister wives."

"Sister wives?" Kino echoed.

Sakura smacked Ino again, this time even harder. "Stop teaching her weird things! No wonder Sasuke was so concerned." She shook her head and rolled her eyes. "Augh, somehow, she's even worse than Sai!"

Somehow, not even sure if it was at all humorous, Kino laughed. Lightly, unable to grasp how to make the sound fuller, she laughed as hard as she could and didn't stop until after Sakura and Ino joined her and their laughter died off together.

"Man, you're  _so_  weird," Sakura told her, but she was smiling.

Ino knocked her fist against her shoulder and shook her head. "Don't say that to my daughter! She's incredibly cute."

"Thanks, Mom," Kino said, trying for a broad grin. It made her muscles in her face sore, but it didn't stop the nice feelings pool inside of her.

It was the type of warmth worth feeling pain for.

**何を言っているのかわかりません。**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Language Guide;
> 
> だから 嘘でも本音でイエスの質問 - dakara uso demo honne de iesu no shitsumon - I answer "yes" to the question genuinely, even if that's a lie.
> 
> 仲間はずれはどこへ行こう - nakama hazure wa doko e ikou - I wonder where the odd one out should go
> 
> 何を言っているのかわかりません。Nani o itte iru no ka wakarimasen - I don't understand you.


	8. Chapter 8

When Kino was younger, a fresh genin graduate with hope still cradled in her hands, she didn't know what it meant to have something taken from her.

She grew up with very little to begin with. No parents, no aunts or uncles or grandparents. No home to stay in. No reliable source of food. No friends, either.

But she had simple things; she liked watching the sky and listening to her brother make marks on his paper. She liked laying on the ground, amidst the grass and dirt, and she liked catching bugs and frogs to show off to her brother. He didn't have much enthusiasm but he would look at her and draw them so that she could always have something of the creatures she let go.

He was a lot happier then. Laughing and watching the birds sing with her.

Ah, simple times. She was glad she could still remember them.

In the end, he was the only thing she really had. The most important thing—more than home cooked meals or doing well on the tests at school.

Just his existence was enough...

Then the man in robes came for them, and everything changed.

**どんな経験つもうとも**

_Once your body changes, your mind will follow soon after._

Shin had told her that, watching her puke from the poison she had just ingested.

Sai and Kino loved him.

He was kind and he held her up when she was too weak to stand. He would brush his fingers through her hair and the three of them always spoke of forever. Hushed, quiet conversations that they let no adults hear. He warned them not to care too much. Not to show it, if they felt it at all. Perhaps it was then that she came to realize it—how awful she was at following commands.

_Kill the pain inside of you. Kill the love, the happiness._ _Because if you don't, they'll kill_ you.

He'd whispered that to her, crying as he held her. For that reason alone, she could never forget it. She had never seen someone shed so many tears with a face that looked like a blank mask. So she'd pressed her lips to his eyes, hoping to make his pain fly away.

Shin had known before even she did what their master had planned for her.

Even before she could kill her emotions, too soon, she was given those fateful orders—and on that night, she died.

Just as Shin had warned her.

**あの頃の傷が消えない**

"They look nice," Sasuke commented, gesturing toward the garden that had recently been coming into bloom after having waited so long for the flowers to sprout. She also had a vegetable garden she was tending, but she would be looking after them later in the day when Ino came to help.

"Ino-chan taught me how," she told him, and tried for a smile.

"You've been spending a lot of time with her lately," he said, tone vacant of emotion. Pausing, Kino looked at him closer.

"She keeps mentioning making me her wife," she added, watching him, and then admitted shyly, "but it's you who I want to be a wife to."

Sasuke choked on his next words. His covered his mouth with his hand and turned to look away while muttering, "Idiot. Do you even know what that means?"

"If I'm your wife, I get to cook for you forever," she told him, placing a finger against her chin in thought. It was a new habit she was trying to form. Ino said she needed more of them, though Kino didn't understand why.

"It's more than that, you moron," he told her, tone sharp. Crouching down beside her, enough that his knee knocked into hers, Sasuke met her gaze and lifted his hand to her cheek. It was cold against her flushed skin, sending a shiver through her that made it difficult to think of anything else.

"What more is it?" she asked, hoping to hear an explanation.

Sasuke brought his face close and it was in that fraction of time that she witnessed details she had never noticed before. He had a fading scar above his left brow, a birthmark so tiny it could have just been dust at the edge of his right eye, and...another scar above his lip. She had no more time to look because after a moment, his lips were pressing against hers.

Kino stilled, heart beating in her chest.

For a moment, she thought of Shin and the ache grew worse. She wanted to pull away—but she didn't want to pull away.

Using her hands to grasp at his shirt, holding onto him tightly, Kino unexpectedly found herself cradled on his lap as the both of them shifted.

"This is what it means to be my wife," he told her, breaking the kiss off.

She couldn't see him well with her eyes blurring and as her eyes dripped, he pressed his mouth to her cheek and trailed kissed to her eyes.

Such careful  _tenderness_.

It sent a flash of heat through her that was all at once painful and electrifying. She felt small in his hands and without wanting to, her thoughts strayed. She wasn't seeing Sasuke in front of her, she was seeing other faces. Scary, plain, beautiful—all faces she could never forget.

"I'm sorry," he told her and in the shock of his words, the memories snapped away and before her, all she could see was his expression.

Long-lashed eyes darkened to the point of being black, brows furrowed and lips tightened into a thin line.

His scent was more calming than she expected it to be.

Kino, slowly, brought herself to kiss him. It was a chaste one—innocent and quick. It felt good, like bubbles assembling in her stomach and tickling her.

"You shouldn't do that," he told her, though he didn't push her away.

"Why not?" she asked in a whisper.

"Because then I'll  _eat_  you," he informed her while licking his lips, his voice cutting into her. He pulled her off of him and pushed her to the ground. Even with just one arm, he was stronger than her. Faster. Just like the first time they'd talked, Kino knew she couldn't escape.

Nevertheless, Kino blinked at his words and wondered if she should take it literally or figuratively.

"I," she started, then hesitated as she looked off towards the flower bed, "I probably won't taste very good."

Whatever it is he thought of her words, it broke the tension. Broke the mood, even. One second, Sasuke was leaning over her and the next, he was leaning back and laughing. Wildly. Deep and throaty and oddly cheerful. Kino sat up and watched him. She couldn't exactly put her finger on what he found so funny but it felt good to see him with such a carefree expression.

"I'm sorry," he told her, catching his breath and breaking off into a softer chuckle. His lips were quirked up in a weird way that she had never seen before and his hair was a mess. He pulled his hands through it and dragged his bangs back. Kino watched him and she noticed all of it. Feeling her cheeks heat up, Kino lifted her hands to cover her face but could not bring herself to look away.

She had never seen someone look so beautiful.

"I'm sorry. I won't do that to you again," he informed her and his smile turned gentle. He held out his hand to her and together they rose.

"Why not?" she wondered, clenching a fist over the cloth closest to her heart. They still held hands.

"Because you can't really see me."

"Oh," she whispered and wondered how something as simple as words could tear so fiercely into her chest. She squinted her eyes and refused to let herself cry again. Her hands were shaking again. Didn't she? How could she not? Someone who her eyes never strayed far from...

"When you really know me," he continued, entwining his fingers with hers, "perhaps."

Looking at her squarely, he took a step back—testing the bond that kept them connected.

He let go.

**もうごまかせないよ**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Language Guide;
> 
> どんな経験つもうとも - donna keiken tsumoutomo - no matter the kind of experience I gain
> 
> あの頃の傷が消えない - ano koro no kizu ga kienai - the scars from that time won't go away
> 
> もうごまかせないよ - mou gomakasenai yo - I can't deceive myself anymore


	9. Chapter 9

"This room will be yours. You can decorate it however you please," he informed her.

Kino said nothing, just looked at the futon only big enough for her.

"It's still close to my room," he went on, uncaring as he rubbed at the back of his neck, "so you're not far away if you need me for something."

"We can't sleep together anymore?" she asked, cradling her pillow in her arms and trying to avoid the instinct to hide her face in it.

"You'll be going on missions now. I don't want you waking me up in the middle of the night when you get back."

"Oh."

Kino didn't have it in her to argue the point.

"Okay."

**ホントはどうでもよかった**

"I don't think he likes me," Kino quietly admitted to Ino as the two of them busied their hands in the soil of the new flowers they were planting. It was going to be spring soon and as much as she liked the thought of warm mild days, she knew she would miss the cold. Kino could only face the future with apprehension, after all.

"How can he not like you? You're the cutest thing in this place," the blonde informed her, a smile on her face as she worked on depositing the seeds.

Kino felt her face tighten but didn't know how she must have looked without a mirror on hand.

"He seems to be avoiding me," she explained, miffed that she still didn't feel as if those words were accurate enough. "I've been given missions from the Hokage and I've been fulfilling them as quickly as possible, so I haven't stopped preparing breakfast and dinner for him. But perhaps it's because I can't be here for lunch?"

Ino looked up and blinked at her dumbly. "No, that can't be it at all. He's not a child."

Kino squinted at her. "It can't? I don't know what else..."

Ino sighed and twisted to face her, rubbing the dirt off her hands as she spoke, "Tell me how he's treating you. Like, specifics. Is he still nice? Or more distant?"

"Well..." Kino thought and closed her eyes, "we've stopped sleeping in the same room. I don't get to see him often but when I do, it's like there's nothing wrong but underneath, it feels like something is off. He might be having trouble with his digestion? Or..." Kino sighed and placed her face in her grimey hands. "I don't know! I don't know."

Yet it was somehow more than that—she didn't know  _him_.

"It might be..." Ino paused and lowly grumbled to herself before sighing sharply.

Kino looked up and watched Ino wage an internal war.

"I'm not saying it  _is_  because Sasuke-kun is planning to leave the village, but it  _might_  be." Ino shot her a look. "But you didn't at all hear that from me."

_Leaving?_

Kino stilled and she might have stopped breathing.

Thinking very hard and struggling to understand, Kino looked at the flower pots and felt very faint.

"I wanted him to watch these bloom," she whispered.

**寂しいなんて言葉 口が裂けても言うものか**

"Ahh, man! That was so good!" Naruto's loud voice lifted high up into the air.

"I still don't know how you never get tired of ramen," Sasuke muttered.

"It's a labor of love, my friend, a labor of love." With that, Naruto burst out into laughter as if he'd spent much more time  _drinking_  than eating. Which he hadn't and was only proving more and more how idiotically weird he was. Especially to be around.

Sasuke gave the sky a long-suffering look.

"We should pick up a snack for Kino-chan," Naruto said, shifting gears as spontaneously as ever.

"She's away on a mission," Sasuke informed him in a dull tone. He looked away, not wanting to accidentally show anything on his face at the mention of her name.

"No, she's not. Sakura mentioned them meeting up today."

Sasuke stiffened at the news but relented with a sigh. "She likes sweets, so we should pick up some dango."

"Man, you totally like her," Naruto snickered to himself and looked at him smugly. "When should I expect the wedding to happen?"

"I should have killed you when I had the chance," Sasuke muttered, then paused as he realized how that might be taken. He always did that―talked out of his ass and then silently dug his grave all the while. He wondered, absentmindedly, if he was just allergic to saying the truth. He couldn't help it. Things like talking about  _feelings_  and putting words to them was just... _difficult._

Sasuke sighed.

Naruto laughed.

"Glad that it's such a far away time that we can joke about it now," Naruto exclaimed and grinned when Sasuke regarded him with dumbfounded surprise.

_Simple-minded idiot._

Well, that wasn't such a bad thing―being stupidly honest.

"Tomorrow," Sasuke started and he walked a little slower, ignoring the stares of curious bypassers, "I'll be telling her I'm leaving."

"Man, it's annoying how much of a reckless heartbreaker you are," Naruto muttered and made a face. "I know this is something Baa-chan and Kaka-sensei cooked up, you leaving. But listen, when I become Hokage, you better be coming back!"

Sasuke snorted and lifted his hand up to hide it.

"Man, you're such a dumbass," he clapped his back with a grin. "Don't call me a heartbreaker when there's someone else you should be thinking of."

Then, with his one good deed of the day, Sasuke went off to pre-order something he didn't even know if he'd be around to give.

**近くで熱を感じたくて**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Language Guide;
> 
> ホントはどうでもよかった - honto wa dou demo yokatta - It doesn't really matter to me.
> 
> 寂しいなんて言葉 口が裂けても言うものか - sabishii nante kotoba kuchi ga sakete mo iu mono ka - I wouldn't say I'm lonely even if you pried off my lips.
> 
> 近くで熱を感じたくて - chikaku de netsu o kanjitakute - I just want to feel their heat nearby.


	10. Chapter 10

"Have you ever thought I was cruel?" he asked softly, his breath ruffling the hairs at her ear.

It tickled a bit.

" _Never_ ," she whispered back. How could she?

_Someone so warm._   _Someone so gentle._   _Someone so giving._

He'd given her life.

Kino pressed her face into the crook of his neck, taking in his scent and feeling the fatigue of her days fade away. She prayed it wasn't a temporary home, this heat.

Sasuke was still in her arms. She'd nearly forgotten it was him who had initiated the contact.

"Even when I stole you?" he wondered, no telling hint of emotion in his tone.

Kino closed her eyes and listened to his breathing. So soft...the sound, so soft.

"Especially then, you were kind."

He didn't seem to like the answer.

Pushing her away, slowly and gently as if she were a scroll from the elder's delicate collection, Sasuke held up a bag and passed it to her.

"It's dango. I'm going to take a bath," he muttered, not meeting her gaze.

"Thank you," she told him, at a loss for what else to say. She didn't even know if it was right of her to apologize.

"Before you go to sleep," he added, just as he was turning away. He paused, glancing at her from the corner of his eye.

"What is it?" she prodded. Her heart was pounding in her chest but she hadn't a clue why. Somehow...it was painful. But sweet.

Bittersweet.

"I have something to tell you," he concluded and vanished from her sight beyond the door he shut himself.

**何度も泣きそうになってまた笑う**

"So, you're really leaving?" she asked, already knowing the truth but having hope that it was a lie.

Sasuke met her gaze squarely and though his hand was in hers, she couldn't feel it. She was too cold.

"I'm giving you this place," he told her, "It's yours to do what you want."

"This building?"

"No, this entire compound. Every inch of it will be yours. I've already talked to the Hokage about it."

She felt like an idiot and nothing made sense to her. Without him, what would she do? No. She couldn't do anything. Not a damn thing.

"I want to go with you," Kino insisted, clutching at the edges of her sleeves, "I want to go with you when you leave."

"You can't."

"Why is that? You told me I could stay with you if I was happy. That it was my choice."

He sighed. "You don't understand. I don't need you getting caught up—."

"Why? Why can't I?" she demanded to know and it only seemed to be the tip of the mountain, because for some reason, words kept spilling out of her. Things she'd kept inside, things she never thought she needed to say. Pressing her face into her knees, her voice trembling, Kino didn't have anything else to do but talk.

"You asked me if I was happy, I told you I was. You asked me what I liked about this place, I told you it was because of you. I don't want to live here without you. I don't care if it gets turned into apartments, or whatever you thought I'd do with it. I like this place, but only because you told me the history. Only because you love it, I was able to treat it gently and come to treasure it. We worked hard on fixing it together, didn't we? I only like it so much because I'm here with you."

"Kino," he stated her name, his tone sharp but he seemed at a loss for words. Staring at her, he finally muttered, "I still can't bring you with me. You have a life to live and I don't know how long I'll be away. I have a lot I have to make up for, things I have to do to redeem myself—."

"I don't understand that either," she informed him, the muscles in her face sore but she couldn't stop. Couldn't  _shut up_. "I don't understand things like that, even though I've tried really hard to. Sakura-chan said you needed to do certain things and that she would wait because she loved you. Naruto-kun said you were determined so he had to leave you to your plans. Even your teacher thinks it's best for you to leave but I don't understand it. Why do you have to leave? Why is it you?"

Running his hand through his hair, he gave her a dark look and looked close to giving up and walking away. It hurt her, more than him even saying he was leaving and she couldn't come. That he could look at her in such a way at all. It was painful—but she  _still didn't get it._

He brought his hand to her shoulder and with an expression she'd never seen on him before, he muttered through gritted teeth, "Because I've done bad things!"

"What bad things?" she pressed, bringing her hand to the touch where he griped her so tightly.

He looked away and though she'd been trying so hard to keep it from happening, her eyes grew wet and the sight of him before her blurred.

"When I met you for the first time, I knew you were kind," Kino mumbled, then took a deep breath. "I had known you'd spotted me a few days before you actually approached me. You'd given me time to leave too and when I got in your way, you didn't kill me. Even now, it's hard to listen when other people talk about you because they're mostly wrong. They say you're evil, that you're scum, and I don't understand why no one sees you the way I do. Maybe it's because they knew you from when you were younger, but I didn't. I have no memory of you at that age and the only Sasuke I can think of, the only Sasuke that I like, is the Sasuke I have in front of me."

Hand still latched on his, Kino brought her face back to her knees and rubbed her eyes against them. Crying was messy but no matter what she did to stop it, the tears kept coming. So she kept going too.

"You have a weird sense of humor that I feel stupid when I can't laugh. You like tomatoes but you peel of the skins before you eat them. You can eat sweet things, but only if its been heated up. You sometimes enjoy reading books with romance but if the characters don't get together quick enough, you put it away and afterwards, rather than pick it back up, you'd sneak glances at it and wait until I fall asleep. With your clothes, you stopped wearing things with knots because you couldn't form them well with only one hand. You prefer chopsticks over forks and spoons even if it isn't food suited for it.

"You like taking walks, but only when it's cloudy. You prefer the cold because you don't like to sweat. You don't look at family albums even if you keep them the closest to you on the bookshelf. Rather than keeping quiet about the memories of the people you've lost, you enjoy talking about them and feel guilty when you do. But despite that, you told me. Because I know you don't want to be the only one responsible for remembering them. That your worst fear is losing people, so you trick yourself into thinking that it's okay for you to distance yourself.

"Someone would call this creepy or weird but I couldn't help it. I've noticed these things, and so much more about you. The years we've spent together, compared to the years I've lived, are so much brighter and warmer. So, naturally, it hurts when you're misunderstood and when I can't understand you either. I want others to see you in a better light too. I want you to go back to being popular, but only so that you can go outside more often. Being reclusive is fine, but I know you get lonely when it's just us. I know you enjoy it best when we have a lot of people around us. I know you like it a lot when Naruto-kun and the others come for a visit. I know it. I know and understand it but..."

Kino trailed off and shook her head. Meeting his gaze as she looked, she felt her brows furrow, "What I don't understand is why that means you have to leave."

Even though she tried to hold onto his hand tightly, it dropped from her shoulder and landed in his lap. He stared back at her and remained as silent as a grave.

"I don't get it," she whispered, looking down and away from him. "Was it murder? I've killed too, you know. Innocent people that didn't deserve it, bad people that did. Because I was ordered to. Because we all get ordered to do things we don't want to do. Because it's our job. It doesn't matter if it's right or wrong, it doesn't matter how people try and justify certain things or even how they try to demoralize it. No one else is having to pay for these actions so what can be worse than killing? Why do you  _have_  to leave? I want to understand, so tell me the truth."

"I," he started but paused, only to swallow and try again, "I did something worse than murder. Instead of reaching out to the friends around me, I chose an enemy of Konoha to help me. I defected from my village, abandoned my friends, selfishly and recklessly ruined their lives and I did it all while misunderstanding the one who loved me most. At the time, it didn't matter to me because I didn't want to face what I was running from. I didn't want to acknowledge that I had to lose my entire family without making someone pay for it and I...lost myself to dangerous emotions that would have killed everyone if I hadn't been stopped. Including you."

Sasuke repositioned his legs, angled his elbow on his knee and rested his chin in his palm. He wasn't looking at her but it seemed like he was thinking.

"It's something," he continued, slowly but surely, "that no matter how many times someone tells me it's okay, I can't forgive myself. Naruto, Kakashi-sensei, Sakura, they were both trying to talk me out of leaving too. They told me that I was acquitted of my crimes and reinstated me as a genin so I could take the chuunin exams with Naruto. They planned out my life, thinking of all the ways to make me happy and they made promises that things would be okay. That eventually the village would change its heart like it did to Naruto. But...I'm not sure I want all that."

Sasuke met her gaze then, and for once, it felt like she was finally connecting to him. For once, he wasn't keeping himself from her. For once, she had all of him.

"I don't  _have_  to leave," he explained, blunt and as terse as always, but completely and entirely honest. "I want to. In truth, it doesn't matter to me what strangers think and I'm happier not having groups of girls to avoid. I just want to...be on my own. Maybe I got too used to it when I defected. Maybe I was always destined to be like this. Maybe I could grow to be happier if I stayed. Maybe."

He let his hand fall and his chin dropped but through hooded eyes, he was still looking at her.

"But it's certain that...when I leave, I can be of more use to Konoha. When I leave, when I'm not here, I don't have to force myself to act like I belong to something. I don't have to hurt people with failed expectations. I don't have to hurt Sakura or Naruto or you. I can grow up, become wiser. Lose the negative emotions and thoughts. I know I should rely on other people to do that but...I've caused enough trouble. It's still selfish of me, but I want to do this on my own. I want to do it."

"So it's for your sake, that you're leaving."

Then, with that realization, her tears dried and without her knowing it, her lips pulled up into a broad smile.

Kino laughed, though she didn't understand why. Just that, rather than the pain she had harbored moments ago, she was feeling extremely light.

"I understand," she whispered in a rasp. Wiping her face for good measure, Kino got onto her knees and with both of her arms, she pulled him closer. He didn't fight it. Rather, he sank into her and held her just as tightly as she did him. She didn't mention the wetness that soaked her clothes from his tears, or the way he shook in her arms. All she could do was be thankful for the moment.

_I'm glad you made these mistakes_.  _I'm glad you found me._

When she woke up, eyes puffy from crying, she was glad to be alone.

She'd made a vow afterall. Sasuke didn't need her anymore and no matter what, she wouldn't let herself be a burden. With a soft sigh and tears she kept private, Kino decided that she still had a life to live.

**その一言がもしもサヨナラのかわりになってしまっても**

"So, you told her?" Sakura asked, and though on the inside she was overwhelmed with that damned jealousy, she still had the sense left in her to hide it. First and foremost, Kino still mattered to her and despite everything, she acknowledged her as a worthy rival. One she knew could relate to the pain of seeing Sasuke go. But that was also what set her apart from her. Sakura had long since grown accustomed to the love of her life pulling his vanishing act.

She knew how to wait now. Knew how to keep her eyes off of loving couples, how to deal with the pangs of longing, how take her mind off things. Did Kino, with the mentality of a child in most things, have those sort of protections? Those barriers?

Sakura knew it was wrong of her, but she pitied the girl.

"I did. In the end, I think she was happy to see me go," Sasuke said, sounding tired.

Sakura looked at him and felt her heart ache. Handsome as always, eyes pained in a rare show of honesty, Sakura was glimpsing for the first time the man she loved most.

"I doubt she was happy at all. She just probably got tricked into thinking that  _you'd_  be happier this way." Though she was also probably just speaking for herself.

With a sigh she was unable to suppress, Sakura saw hard liquor in her future.

"I'm really thankful for all of you."

She blinked, turned to look at him and as heat rose to her cheeks, she somehow managed out, "Why so suddenly?"

"Because I should say it more often," he told her, a wry smile finding its way onto his face.

Sakura stared at him, long and hard, hoping beyond hope that it was this expression she got to see again. On her wedding day, preferably.

"Naruto is going to get jealous of me when I tell him," Sakura joked weakly and tried for a laugh.

Her heart was beating too fast for her to think straight. She was thinking, just a bit, that it would fall out of her chest if he went on the way he was. The only thing that could make the day better was him confessing his love. Or a kiss. Even if it was just for farewell.

"I already told him," Sasuke informed her in a soft voice, eyes gazing down at the tea cup that smoked with steam. "But I wanted to tell you too."

It was starting to grow painful, the pressure in her chest. She wondered if her delusions weren't delusions at all. Today, would he do it? Confess? Like she had done all those years ago when he'd left the first time? It would be romantic if he did. Like if they were to be at the gates. Instead of her hugging him to make him stay, it would be the other way. Something memorable and beautiful. A happy ending.

Something to tell her grandchildren, even.

"Is there anything else you wanted to tell me?" she asked, trying to keep the hope out of her voice.

There was.

His voice, honest, blunt, cold but not distant. He told her what she had dreaded most, to give up on him—for one final time.

As she thought, there was never any need to pity her.

**あなたのことが ほんとに好きなんです**

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Language Guide;
> 
> 何度も泣きそうになってまた笑う - nandomo nakisou ni natte mata warau - So many times I've felt like crying, but laughed instead
> 
> その一言がもしもサヨナラのかわりになってしまっても - sono hitogoto ga moshimo sayonara no kawari ni natteshimattemo - Even if your words somehow become goodbye instead
> 
> あなたのことが ほんとに好きなんです - anata no koto ga honto ni suki nan desu - I really, truly like you


	11. Chapter 11

Kino was alone and the places that once captured her attention and admiration looked little more than dull distractions to what was actually on her mind. She thought too much these days, and it never seemed to end. Not even in her sleep. She dreamt of the same things that she thought about, day in and day out, without fail.

She thought she'd spend more time thinking of Sasuke.

Instead, she thought about ROOT. Of Shin and her first master, and of Sai before and after they'd been changed. Memories and incidents she had made herself feel nothing for. Places and faces she hadn't thought at the time to pay closer attention to. Conversations and interactions that felt alien and uncomfortable then and even now. Even if she didn't like it, she couldn't escape. There was nothing left her to do but think now. Nobody to cook meals for and no one to distract her from herself.

Kino hadn't realized it could happen and she didn't know what was more surprising, that she couldn't seem to stop thinking about it or that she could somehow feel emotion even after she thought she had killed them long ago.

Even missions that she took more frequently didn't do much to change it. Everyone thought she was too weird to talk to and even if she managed to get a team with people who didn't mind, or knew her already, they left her alone after she spent minutes struggling to find suitable replies.

It was harder than it should be, to live in the present. So much so, that it became easier to be stuck in the past rather than try harder. There was no one there to tell her to do better. To demand it of her.

Kino hadn't realized until he was already gone how dependent she was on Sasuke. How kind he was, to have put up with her for so long.

So thankful. She was so damn thankful to him.

He never got to hear that from her.

Though she spent a lot of time thinking of things she couldn't change or moments she could never return to, Kino always fell asleep while thinking of him. It was how she managed to sleep at all and for that, she was in an even greater debt.

He was similarly the reason she got out of bed at all. He was her reason to improve herself, her motivation to inch towards habituating normalcy. She thought, strangely enough, if she became normal like everyone else while he was gone, he'd be proud.

But really, she just wanted him to come back. She wasn't a very noble-minded girl in the end.

**この部屋は寂しいです。**

Ino could barely recall a busier day at the flower shop.

She didn't know if anything especially important as of late was happening but regardless, sales were booming and she had not had a break off of work since the time they had first opened in the morning. If she would even get off before dinner time would be something of a miracle and to be frank, she was not in the best of moods. Her feet hurt, her eyes were dry, her hairline was coated in sweat, and she hadn't eaten anything except for a small breakfast she thought she had that morning but couldn't be sure.

Wilted is exactly how she felt, ringing up another customer and hoping it would end soon. She just wanted something to eat, and honestly—not like she would tell the boys—she wanted to have barbeque for dinner.

She salivated at the thought, waving a tired goodbye to a gentle old woman who had been stopping into the shop for years. Ino's brain was getting fuzzy in its recollection. She could remember the lady's order by heart and could recognize her face, but she couldn't at all remember her name. Whatsoever. Which was incredibly unusual for her, to say the least.

Ino took that as the first sign to what was to come.

The second one was Sai walking up to the counter, holding out money and saying, "Make a flower arrangement to cheer a girl up."

Ino stared at him.

"Am I abetting a criminal if I do?" She asked dryly after a full minute passed in silence.

He blinked. "I'm not a criminal."

"No, I know that. I meant, like, as a joke, y'know. Cause you asked for something to cheer a girl up with and it led me to think you broke someone's heart and became a criminal because of that, or something." She saw someone in the shop glance at her with a raised brow and it confirmed her suspicions. It wasn't just in her head that she sounded like a total dumbass just then. "Nevermind, it's not funny because I had to explain it." She said the last bit with a little more sass than she intended.

He gave her a weird look. "I didn't stab any hearts."

She breathed in slowly and exhaled with just as much forced patience. "Good to know."

"It's for Kino," he explained. "As her friend, I thought you could make something she'd like."

Ino had to smile genuinely at the sound of Kino's name, the image of a small and clueless girl coming to mind. It was very rare of Ino to feel attachments for people she hadn't known since childhood but one couldn't help being fond of a girl as cute as her. Though, it served as a reminder that she hadn't seen her in awhile, not since she'd started going on an insane number of missions that kept her out of Konoha.

"I can try to," Ino said.

She was already thinking of arrangements and flower meanings, sifting through her mental catalogue of what she had on hand in the store. As he was Kino's brother, he probably wanted to send reassurance and the feelings of a familial love to cheer her up. For that, she'd use verbena for family love, and to work off the coloring, she could use the  _kakitsubata_  flower to mean that happiness would come, and because she could never resist, she could contrast the two colors with white cosmos to reflect the sincerity of a young girl. She could already see how she could position the flowers, twisting the stems and laying them out in a way that Kino might appreciate.

"So, is it true?" Sai asked, drawing her out of her busy thoughts.

She leveled him with a flat stare, weary. "Hm? Is what true?"

"Girls liking flowers," he clarified. "I read about it in a book, that women enjoy receiving flowers even though they die fast and make a mess when the petals shed."

Ino narrowed her eyes at him. Normally, she could overlook a bit of rudeness for the sake of everyone getting along, even if it was directed at her. When she was younger this was less the case but damn it, she had grown up since the time she acted petty and doled out punishments for slighting her. Even if the temptation was still there. Damn, he had such a nice face and it was  _ruined_  when he opened his mouth.

But Ino had to remain firm. She wouldn't let his clueless insults get under her skin, no way.

"It's not just girls," she said. "Boys can like flower arrangements too. In fact, it's a practice that is very noble and, more than most people think it is,  _difficult_. Meanings, flower seasons, flower character, actually growing the flower and keeping it healthy, cutting the stems,  _finally_ making the arrangement, and then attempting to make something that suits the client and receiver's aesthetic taste—all of this has to be taken into consideration at the flower shop. Because of that, I work hard, y'know and like you and that drawing thing you do, I think It's an art form, I tell you, an  _art form._  Underappreciated and overlooked because of people like you who think they understand it even when they  _really don't_."

Ino paused to suck in a breath and then caught herself flushing when she saw how carried away she had gotten.

"Teach me," he said.

She got flashbacks from when Kino had asked in a similar fashion, but the way he did it was decidedly less cute.

"Why?"

"Because I like art."

For a few moments, they stared at each other. Sai shifted where he stood, looking out of place in the shop, pale in comparison to the vivid colors that surrounded him. Her eyes kind of hurt trying to look at him but the image itself was funny enough that she considered for a second what it would be like to teach Sai about flower arrangements.

"No," she said immediately afterwards.

"Is it because you don't want me to find out arrangement making isn't an art form?"

She choked on her spit, making a high pitched groan in the back of her throat. "What do you care anyway?" Ino sputtered out.

"I take the spread of misinformation very seriously," he replied in a bland tone.

"It  _is_ an art form!"

"Then show me."

Ino growled. "Okay, fine. I'll show you but only the arrangement I'm making for your sister. Tell her later just how much fun the two of us had making it." Maybe then Kino would stop by for a visit.

Sai nodded. "Only if it is fun, Beautiful."

She felt a jolt in her chest at that. It wasn't a new thing, him calling her beautiful but in comparison to when she was fifteen and hearing it, she wasn't so comfortable with it now. Mostly because she knew him better and Sakura had explained that his nicknames for people was supposed to be the opposite of what he thought of them. Which gave a clear indication of his opinion on her.

Ino remembered being so damn embarrassed after Sakura told her, her being the only one out of the loop. She still felt so stupid for having preened vainly when he'd first started calling her that.

Ahh, it made her think she really was a bit ugly actually.

"Go wash your hands in the back," she ordered, both because of sanitary reasons and also because she didn't want to look at his pretty face anymore.

He did as told to and her evening carried on much worse than it had been before.

**花は花屋**

"It was fun making this with her," Sai told Kino as they sat in a booth at the BBQ place she'd felt an odd craving for. He passed over a large bag, careful as he moved it over the table. Kino blinked, surprised as she peeked through and saw the top of box. Perplexed, she peeled back the edges of the bag and popped open the box, only to see a display she hadn't been expecting.

"It's beautiful!" Kino was startled by the energy in her voice but smiled nevertheless. "Thank you."

The base of the arrangement was a gray oval disk with a circular hole on the left side. The flowers leaned inward, and twisted twigs and branches sprouted outwards in spiraled designs with a collection of flowers nested at the bottom. The cosmos flowers was what she could recall from Ino's explanations but the others were a new and welcomed sight, with a written note sliding off the top of the box to reveal the names and meanings. It must have taken a lot of patience to create.

"It took an hour," he informed her, his brows raised fractionally as if he were surprised by it.

"Have you developed an interest in it?" Kino asked, placing the box top back over so as to keep it safe.

"I asked her to teach me but she said no. I don't know why."

Kino didn't know how to explain Ino's actions any better. Ino had always been receptive to her whenever she had something to ask, had even taught her how to cultivate her own garden which she still kept up as a hobby.

"Try asking her on a different day. She might be feeling unwell." Though that was just a guess.

"She did seem less vibrant than usual," Sai noted.

"I was told making a meal for someone who is feeling upset will make them happier," Kino said in thought.

Sai and Kino gazed at the vestiges of the meal they had already eaten. Then they met each other's gaze.

"Tomorrow," the two of them intoned together.

**大同小異**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Language Guide;
> 
> この部屋は寂しいです。- kono heya wa sabishii desu. - this room is lonely.
> 
> 花は花屋 - hana wa hanaya - for flowers, visit flower shops. A reference to the Japanese proverb 「餅は餅屋」(mochi wa mochiya), meaning something like "for mochi/rice cakes, go to a rice cake maker", which is generally meant as "visit people with professional knowledge" or "every person to their trade".
> 
> 大同小異 - daidou shoui - great similarity, little difference; another proverb


	12. Chapter 12

When Ino stumbled home that night, she raided the fridge as soon as it came into sight. Her mom stood, fixing herself a sandwich in the kitchen, and raised a brow but Ino didn't dignify her with a greeting. She focused much more on filling her gut with anything that somewhat looked edible. Life as a shinobi had made her less picky than she used to be as a kid, but admittedly she still had her favorites.

She bit into an apple as she worked on setting up the rice cooker, hands darting in and out of chip bags in the meantime. She was excellent at multi-tasking, everyone always said so. Mostly it was her impatience and wanting everything to be done as quick as possible but in this case, it was just her gluttony.

"Making onigiri?" her mom asked, leaning against the counter to watch her.

She gave her a look. Her mom already knew that it was the only thing Ino could make without fucking something up. Ino was skilled with her hands and with a knife, so she could cut vegetables if asked but the actual act of cooking that took recipes and waiting times and experimenting seemed more hassle than it was worth. It was another way of saying that she was reliant on her mom to cook all her meals still.

"What's wrong?" her mom looked concerned, ready to be in mom mode if necessary but both of them knew Ino wouldn't say anything. Not because she didn't trust her, or because Ino wanted to avoid her, it was just that talking about emotions was still a touchy subject for the both of them.

Any time one of them got started talking, it would just serve as another reminder to who was missing. Then they would start crying and damn it, Ino wasn't going to do that. She missed her dad more and more everyday, as well as her genin teacher, but nothing she could do would ever change that. So why bother thinking about it, was Ino's earnest opinion on the matter.

"I'm hungry," Ino said and left it at that.

It was the truth. She was starving.

**貴方は恋しいです、**

Ino wasn't due for another mission outside for at least a week more. It wasn't because she was useless and they couldn't find work for her, like Sakura had teased her in saying. It was actually the opposite—she had too much work to do  _inside_  of Konoha. Like figuring out her newest duties now that the clan was ready to accept her as the head, and being asked to oversee other things like investigations they needed a Yamanaka for. As simple as a lot of it was—her being too inexperienced for them to trust her with anything super important—there was  _too much_ of it.

It gave her a deep sense of foreboding for what the rest of her life was going to look like, constantly being pushed into odd jobs and never having any chance to catch her breath. Somehow, because of everything else, she had even began to resent her time spent at the flower shop. It took up unnecessary time that she could give towards eating healthier and styling her hair for the chance that she could find a boyfriend. Someone to make her forget about the pit of loneliness in her gut.

She felt like slamming her head against a wall.

There was no way she was going to get a boyfriend in the midst of all her chaotic tasks, much less likely that she could even  _meet_  a guy that didn't absolutely bore her on the first date. It was true that Ino was a difficult person to please in her demands for perfection, and men had always steered clear of her. That and because she was too pretty for them to handle.

"Ino?" Sakura called.

"What's up, forehead?" Ino asked, settling her best—sort of rival—friend with a level stare.

"Kino and Sai, what do you think they're doing?"

"What do you mean?"

"Outside," Sakura said, jerking her chin towards the window.

Ino had been so distracted in her thoughts, using her break from the register wisely and to mope,that she hadn't realized there was an attraction going on outside. Kino and Sai stood outside doing jumping jacks with the straightest faces she'd seen anyone ever have. And they were staring—very intently—at her.

She cursed under her breath and blinked, a bit outraged with herself. "How did I miss  _that_?"

Sakura gave her a look that was uncharacteristically filled with concern. "You were lost in pretty deep thought. Something wrong?"

It implied everything was going okay in the first place.

"Things are going same as always," she answered, getting up from her seat.

She waved the two weirdos inside and watched as they attempted to enter the door at the same time. Ino snorted. These two seemed to test the bounds of normal everywhere they went.

Kino was the one who won out eventually as she very proudly presented herself in front of Ino. It was a miniscule difference from the usual but the way her mouth set made it look as if she felt victorious for beating her brother.

"Good afternoon," she said. Her voice was soft and monotone as ever but cute in the way only she could make it.

Ino hugged her on the spot. "My wife is so cute! Thank you for visiting me, it's been so long!"

She had such a huge softspot for girls who struggled socially—didn't know when it started but she didn't mind having it one bit.

"We want to eat dinner with you," Sai said, somewhere in front of them. Ino didn't bother looking.

"I can't tonight, I got too much work to do at the shop for orders and some other things to take care for the clan. But I'm free tomorrow."

"Okay," Kino hummed, returning the embrace just as fiercely as Ino had been giving it. She was so cute, it really was like having a daughter. Ino was way too young for kids but it did sort of make her excited for the future.

"By the way, why were you guys doing jumping jacks?" Sakura asked and Ino tuned in for the answer.

"Because Lee said it would make waiting pass by quicker," Sai answered and Kino nodded against Ino's chest.

It was just the sort of idiotic reasoning she expected from them.

**忘れないで。**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Language Guide;
> 
> 貴方は恋しいです、 - anata wa koishii desu, - I miss you,
> 
> 忘れないで。- wasurenaide. - don't forget.


	13. Chapter 13

Dinner was going to be home cooked by Kino but Ino's craving had reached it's limit by that point.

"Hey, can we go eat barbeque? We can get some shots of sake to go around, have some fun." Ino might have been too enthusiastic with this idea, because Kino took a step back.

"I don't like alcohol," Kino said.

"More for me," Ino replied, hoping that would take the problem away. She  _needed_  the barbeque and liquor after the sort of week she'd been having. She needed it like a fish needed water.

"I wanna come with," Sakura piped up from the back room she'd been reading a book in while Ino slaved away taking flower orders.

"I  _knew_  this was why you came!" Ino yelled.

"Free food!" was all Sakura said.

"Should we invite Naruto? Choji-san and Shikamaru-san too?" Kino wondered.

"No way, they'd just pig out and run up the bill," Ino advised and pulled off her work apron before untying her hair and letting it fan around her shoulders.

Rubbing at the headache that had been forming throughout the day, she redid the ponytail that ha become ruined by sweat and the fingers she'd run through it without thinking.

"Okay, now we can go," Ino told the room, excited by the prospect of a hearty meal and alcohol to take her from her mind.

**死は易く、**

They found a booth, the 'twins' sitting on one side and Sakura and Ino filling the other.

Food, drink, and conversation quickly followed one after the other until Ino found her curiosity piqued by a thought.

"What was it like, living in Orochimaru's hideout?" Ino asked Kino, feeling herself grow bolder in her attitude the moment she had passed her fifth shot of hot sake. Damn, she loved the stuff—warm going down and almost buttery in taste, a bit of heaven in such a tiny cup.

Kino blinked but didn't look otherwise disturbed at the question. In fact, if anything, she looked eager to share. "I liked it. At first, there was little to occupy my time and thoughts unless Sasuke visited. He would bring me books though, and scrolls, food. Sometimes, we would play games. I don't remember either of us talking much in the beginning. I seemed to annoy him."

"You were part of Team Taka though, right? When did that happen?" Sakura asked, smiling with real interest in her green eyes.

Ino figured Sakura would always be a little weird with Kino, but they'd all had time to adjust to Sasuke being gone—again—and it was agreed that everyone should move on and get over what wouldn't change. Them forming an unlikely friendship had just been a relief to Ino, who didn't want to choose between the two.

"Team Taka formed on the tail end of my time as a captive," Kino explained. "I suppose I was the first recruit. The second recruit was Karin, after I had gotten sick enough that I needed medical attention." She leveled a stare at Sakura. "You've seen yourself that Sasuke is clumsy at taking care of the sick."

"Oooo!" Ino grinned. "What was  _that_  like?" Ino didn't know too much about the Uzumaki chick but from rumors, she was just as obsessed with Sasuke as Sakura was.

"She made me bite her, and then she wanted to know who I was and why I was there without Orochimaru's knowledge. Sasuke told her I was a member to a team he was forming and he asked her to join so that we could find and kill his brother. It was in the following days that I met Juugo and Suigetsu."

"What was being on the team like?" Sakura wondered, almost wistfully. "Was it even a little fun? Did Sasuke look like he enjoyed himself? I mean, I know the goal was to kill his brother, but was it all...?" Sakura didn't finish her sentence, seeming a bit embarrassed that she asked at all.

"I'm not certain that he did, but..." Kino trailed off, dropping her golden gaze and peering at her cleaned plate. "I was less informed of emotion and interactions at that point, but looking back, I believe that he didn't like the quiet. I think he formed the team out of a desire for camaraderie, perhaps because he missed Team Seven. He wasn't ever talkative with anyone in particular, but he was a good leader who directed us well. Actually, I have fond memories of that time."

"Fond memories?" Sai echoed. He looked mystified.

Kino nodded, a small smile finding her lips. "For instance, during a time when Karin was yelling at Suigetsu, Juugo interrupted her, telling us all to look at a flock of birds passing by. I did as was asked and ended hitting my head on a tree branch I failed to duck under. Everyone laughed, even Sasuke. But," Kino's cheeks reddened, and defended herself by saying, "It had been such a long time since I'd heard the sound! It was unsettling but nice."

Sai nodded like he understood the feeling and really, Ino was certain he was the only one there who would. It was the sort of story that Ino would have been so embarrassed by, if it had been her eating dirt. To her, it didn't make sense to her for that to be a 'fond memory'.

"When I was first assigned to Team Seven, I was amazed by the amount of facial expressions everyone had. I couldn't comprehend their ability to understand so well when and how to react to situations. I still don't," Sai admitted. He looked so sad in that moment, with the corner of his mouth drooping.

Ino reached a hand out to touch his arm and though her words were a little slurred, there was no mistaking what she said. "It's not so hard as you think! In fact, you do just fine as you are now." That didn't seem like enough so she added, "It's a weird personality, but you still have one."

"I do?" He actually looked alarmed, in his own way. Or at least, that's how she interpreted the loss of his ever permanent smile.

Ino frowned. "Yeah, of course."

Sai stared at her unblinkingly, and it seemed that a full minute passed before Sakura gave off a nervous titter. Kino remained silent.

It was Ino who spoke next, a bit perturbed and bemused by the situation she found herself in. "What, you gonna kiss me now or what?" Another joke that wouldn't get laughs, one she chortled at by herself. Hey, he wouldn't understand why she said that anyway. Actually, she didn't understand much why she said it herself, but that didn't matter.

Just drunk musings.

Ino watched Sai blink once at her and then cock his head.

Something about the pose in Ino's drunk mind told her to do something and she leaned forward without thinking to do it. She gave him a kiss, a sloppy one that nearly missed and was met with unmoving resistance. Ino laughed against his mouth.

Just drunk shenanigans.

"Ino!" Sakura sounded scandalized as she pulled Ino back by the waist.

"Sorry, sorry," she halfheartedly apologized, and then, struck by the jarring thought that she was not nearly as drunk as she was pretending to be, she frowned at the table. "We need more sake."

"No, we do not. I'm cutting you off," Sakura muttered, concern in her voice. "What's up with you tonight? You've been so weird lately."

Oh, it was nothing. Just that she was being hastily groomed for the role her father left with his untimely death, overwhelmed with helping T&I fill the absence of such an important man, and still working long hours at the flower shop now that it was picking up with sales and her mother was lost in grief. God, it made sense that the first chance Ino got out to do something fun she'd take it too far. Yeah, all that was nothing.

Honestly, she was just  _lonely_.

She could complain and whine about her problems but she didn't have much of an interest in doing that. It was too embarrassing to talk about stuff like that, for one, and for another, Ino figured everyone else had much bigger concerns to worry about. She'd look weak and untrustworthy if this was what it took to stress her out.

Embarrassed by her behavior but wanting to play it off, Ino waved her friend off with a hand.

She was about to add some nonsensical excuse but was interrupted as soon as she opened her mouth.

"I thought kissing was supposed to feel good, not as if a fish was trying to suck my face off," Sai said tactlessly, and Ino snapped her gaze back to him, insulted.

"That was barely a kiss at all! You didn't participate," she accused.

"What am I supposed to do when being kissed?" he asked, expression unchanged.

Ino's cheeks were red and she was trying to convince herself that Sai didn't nearly look as good as her drunk mind thought. "You move your mouth, and just, lock lips and stuff! Maybe toss in a tongue and battle it out or something." Shit, she was rambling now.

Sakura laughed her ass off at Ino's expense.

"Toss in a tongue?" Kino asked, frowning.

Oh,  _no_ , Ino was teaching the most innocent and pure being she knew such sordid sin! It was too late to retract her words. She sighed.

"I mean, you open your mouth and just have at it. A war of tongues. Two snakes in a pit. Mouth to mouth resuscitation. It's called making out!" Ino was starting to regret going to dinner with these two. They were hard to deal with alone, but together? Impossible.

"And that is supposed to feel good?" Sai asked.

Defeated, Ino nodded weakly and hated Sakura for laughing.

"I want to learn."

"You do," a deadpanned statement. Why was she not surprised?

"Will you teach me?"

"No?" It came out a squeak.

"Why not? Were you lying to me about it feeling good or are you just bad at it like I thought?"

Ino yelped. "I'm not lying and I'm not bad at it!"

He smiled. "You aren't? But from your demonstration, that didn't seem to be the case at all."

She growled at him and then because Ino was notoriously easy to challenge, she relented with smirk. " _Fine_. Come to my house tomorrow night, at around eight. Or better yet, walk me home from the flower shop at seven and bring cake. Chocolate cake. Got it?"

Ino decided she would just claim this was all a drunk idea of hers later on, if anyone asked. And that she got food out of the deal, so it wasn't' like she  _liked_  him.

But honestly, a tiny, teeny part of Ino that was really loud was looking forward to the distraction making out with Sai might give her.

Sai agreed with an eerie smile. Even drunk, Ino had the good sense to start regretting her bad choices.

**生は難し**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Language Guide;
> 
> 死は易く、- shi wa yasu - dying is easy
> 
> 生は難し - sei wa katashi - living is hard


	14. Chapter 14

Ino was freaking out.

By the time business winded down long enough for her to see that it was nearing ever closer to closing time, Ino didn't want the work day to end. It was a weird, maddening moment when she almost begged the last customer to stay a little longer.

But no, eventually,  _he_  appeared with that damn smile of his and a boxed cake in his hand.

"Is this a date?" was the first thing out of his mouth and Ino's brain slowed to the point that she couldn't register the meaning at first.

After a long, silencing moment, Ino choked, inhaled a shriek before it could form, and then firmly shook her head.

"It's not?"

"No, because then we'd be technically be dating," she explained and at his dead eyed expression, she added, "and then I'd be your girlfriend, which is commitment that neither you or me want to happen, right?"

"I read in a book that commi—"

Ino cut him off with a hand to his mouth, already feeling a headache coming on as she finished locking up the store. With a silencing look, she dragged him by the crook of his elbow down the street. "Let's just go to my house, make out and eat cake in my bedroom so my mother doesn't see you."

She was only mildly disturbed when Sai pulled his arm from her and slid it around her bare waist, warm skin touching hers. At her questioning glance, he said, "I saw a couple walking this way a while ago and wondered if it was comfortable."

"Is it?" Ino asked, unable to help her curiosity.

Sai inclined his head, ran his fingers over her side with a probing touch, searching and then, as she tried not to squirm, he reached up to squeeze her boob.

Ino jerked away, yelping as she disengaged. She swiveled in his direction, equal parts baffled and questioning her reality.  _Sai just_ groped _me._ She was confused about whether she should be angry with him or not, placing her into an odd stand still where she just gaped at him.

He looked confused. "Did I do something wrong?"

She squinted at him, wondering if this was a faked reaction on his part but then realized, again, who she was with. "Did you see the couple do that or something?" Ino winced at how she phrased the question but all the same, it brought results.

He nodded.

Blinking as she digested this information, it was abrupt when she began to laugh. But then, she couldn't stop! Ino was almost convinced this made him into some sort of pervert to spy on people like that, but really, the whole situation was so absurd, Ino also didn't care what that said about him.

She'd already known he was a weirdo.

Still laughing, Ino took Sai's hand and slid it back onto her waist. She grinned at him. "We gotta be behind closed doors before you can touch my boob."

Sai nodded and remained on his best behavior for as long as it took to reach Ino's house. They'd walked the entire way, despite the much faster roof pathway that would've cut down travel time, but Ino would be a liar if she said she felt like those were wasted seconds.

As it turned out, she liked him touching her skin, even when his palm began to form a touch of sweat.

Under Ino's directives, they  _did_  jump to Ino's upstairs bedroom window, rather than chance her mother being around downstairs. The house was quiet though, so Ino wondered if maybe she'd gone to a friend's house. Regardless, Ino was alone.

Alone with a boy—and cake.

Sai stared at her and she stared at him, for all of one very awkward minute before Ino took the box from his hand and set it onto her desk. Then she dove for her bed, patting a hand on it for him to come join her.

_Okay, just going to casually teach this boy to kiss and look back on this night as a fond, charitable moment of mine._

Hopefully.

But then Sai actually got onto the bed and Ino's nervousness returned. What if she  _was_  bad at kissing? It wasn't like she was new to it; she wasn't the poster child for innocence and had plenty of past relationships that had sort of trained her on what could be called a good kiss. But, well, it'd been a few months since her last boyfriend and even she knew she could at times overinflate the ability of her skills.

Ino was still fretting when Sai surprised her by making the first move, his lips meeting hers with a stiffness that made it feel like kissing cardboard. She couldn't help the giggle that worked through her and she realized that, at his point of experience, she was a  _goddess_  in comparison.

She closed her eyes, lifted a hand to his cheek and pulled him in closer, trying to show him with her own lips how not to be so stiff. He seemed not to comprehend the movements, responding with almost hesitant, uncertain kisses. But, seeing as he had gotten her cake, she didn't give up.

"Do what I do," she whispered.

It was slow going but eventually, he began to pick up the lesson, finding a matching rhythm to the pace she had set.

The whole thing was terribly unsexy but she found that she didn't mind the awkward nature of his first attempts. His touch remained curious and—though the word wouldn't suit anyone else given the circumstances— _innocent_.

Ino didn't rush him or push his hand away when he tucked a hand beneath the hem of her shirt and slid under her bra. It was around the time he began to tweak her nipple that she realized she was beginning to  _feel_  something.

She gasped against his lips and then there was tongue.

He was more enthusiastic about it than she was expecting, and though he was clumsy, he wasn't nearly as bad as she thought he was going to be. She was just thinking that, when Sai took the opportunity to pull her shirt up to her chin, unclasping her bra with deliberate movement to bare her chest for him to see.

Sai pulled away, panting as much as she was, and then just  _stared_.

Heat caught her cheeks, lips damp and swollen, hair mussed and perky tits out, Ino tried to envision herself as someone with breathtaking beauty but might have just looked like a hot mess.

Sai reached a hand out to caress the curves of her breasts, his eyes on her like he was memorizing all of it. "I couldn't paint you without color," he told her sincerely.

Ino shivered and sucked in a surprised breath when his other hand trailed down the skin of her stomach before running over the fabric of her skirt and finding the hem. His fingers hiked it up her thigh, his hand going to explore in a way no one ever had bothered to before, with deliberate and seeking touches. The pad of his thumb ran over her inner thigh and it drew a very surprised moan out of her that she made her eyes open.

She couldn't believe that sound had come from her.

It was then that she realized they were in dangerous territory of this going farther than she had been expecting and quite frankly, she had more self respect for herself than to give up her virginity for a cake—even if was chocolate.

Ino squeezed her thighs together, halting his movement as she met the questioning gaze he turned towards her.

"Just kissing," she said, tone firm before glancing down her chest. "And I guess you can touch my boobs, but anything below the waist is a no go."

Sai blinked but didn't seem otherwise put out by the rejection. Instead, he just slid the hand between her thighs away and went in to press his lips to hers.

It was the following minutes that began to  _really_  test her resolve on the rule she had set and as the heat inside her built up, being pulled towards him like a taut bowstring, Ino did the only thing her unthinking body could think to do. She tugged him in even closer and wrapped her legs around his hips, crossing her ankles and pressing herself against him.

Sai groaned in response, and it made him break the kiss off momentarily to give her a dumbfounded look. Mystified, he rolled his hips against hers and  _grunted_ , brows raising in surprise as he repeated the action. It was the most emotion on his face that she had ever seen, and the sight of his expression stole her breath away. That and the lack of air getting into her lungs.

She didn't even care that this was technically below the waist, but figuring it was a happy compromise to what she was beginning to crave, she let him continue.

"F-faster," she had to moan out when he experimentally slowed.

He kicked it into high gear after that and all she could do was hold onto him with her nails digging into the back of his shirt.

Ino didn't even realize it was even  _possible_  to orgasm with clothes in the way, but as he continued to build up the friction between them with thrusts that edged on being desperate, feeling the hardness of him against her and the kiss he'd taken to her neck, she quickly saw how real the possibility was.

Beneath him, Ino squirmed, panted and moaned, one second wondering with half a mind how she'd gotten herself involved and then promptly losing it in the next. Her orgasm rocked her body and though she hadn't recalled doing much, she sagged bonelessly.

Sai released one last groan with his lips still against her neck, sending vibrations and misting her skin with his breath. Ino shivered, enjoying the sensations for what they were as he relaxed on top of her with all of his weight.

She giggled at that, and laughed even harder when she saw the sweat beading his forehead. Sai smiled at her and though it was just as creepy as always, she found a certain charm in it that disarmed her.

"You should probably take a quick shower before we eat that cake," she told him before sliding out beneath him and opening the door to her private bathroom with the complete fixings of a big tub to relax in and a stand in shower off to the side. It's construction had been a birthday gift, the last one her dad had ever given her.

She tried not to think about her dad but—damn it!—just thinking about him once was bad enough. It dampened her mood and try as she might to stop it, her mind entered into a cycle of thoughts she loathed to admit took up house in her head near daily.

Death is a funny thing to Ino. Not in that it's humorous but more in that it's just...  _weird_. People are there, alive and well, and then just  _gone_. It's so bizarre, in fact, that it seems like a joke to Ino most days that not only is her sensei dead, but her father is too.

It's normal to sometimes go for a while not seeing someone, but they always come  _back,_ right?

Sometimes she woke up thinking she'd see him at the breakfast table, only to realize belatedly that he was 'gone' and  _wouldn't_  be coming back.

She supposed this was because she could still feel the love he'd had for her, and though she felt him  _missing_  with a part of her that called out for his return, she had a feeling that he was still giving his love to her, even from somewhere else. It made it hard, this extra sense, to get into her head that he was what everyone said he was.

Gone.

Ino thought about this sort of stuff just from the sight of her bathroom door alone, though she'd never say any of that out loud. She was getting good at distracting herself and—

God, she was so weird. Just semi had sex and she was back to moping about her dad not even a full minute afterward!

But she just kept on thinking about him, even more so when she went scavenging in her dad's closet for clothes Sai could wear while he took his shower. She settled on a shirt and pair of pants that kind of looked like pyjamas to her.

And when he stepped out of the bathroom with them on, it was only with mild surprise of herself that she said, "You can stay the night, but if you do, that means we're dating."

Sai gave her a funny sort of look, but all of his expressions were funny so she thought nothing of it.

"Does this mean we can take things farther and have sex?"

She blinked at him but rather than get mad like she normally would have, she just laughed. "No way, you have to marry me for that."

Sai's smile twitched. "We can do more of what we just did though, correct?"

She wiggled her brows suggestively. "Among other things."

Sai sat down on the bed beside her and looked down at his feet thoughtfully. It was moments later that he finally looked up and said, "I have to go get my toothbrush but I'll be back."

Ino tipped her head back to laugh. Then she leveled him with a look. "Don't bother, I have extras."

And that was how Ino Yamanaka found herself dating Sai for the hell of it, thinking in her head that this wouldn't last for very long. She sure as hell was going to have fun with it though.

**猿の水練**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Language Guide;  
> 猿の水練 - saru no suiren - swimming of monkeys, a proverb basically meaning "to do something out of character"


	15. Chapter 15

Sai was feeling out of sorts with himself. Something inside him was different, he could almost put a name to what it was. Almost.

"Kino, Ino is my girlfriend," Sai announced as soon as he presented himself to his sister. Her reaction was to blink, tilt her chin up and soften her eyes. She was a little better at expression making than he was and he wondered if he would ever improve like her. Seemed he'd been making attempts forever and everyone agreed he was always going to be bad at it.

"Girlfriend?" she echoed, her lips quirking into a smile. Kino had a way of making those smiles reach her eyes—he suspected this was what separated a phony from the rest.

"Yesterday we almost had intercourse," he explained. "She said that we had to be married to go all the way. Do you think she wants to marry me?" He'd been suspecting that perhaps that had been her ulterior motive.

Ulterior motives were common for females to have, as one of the books the Rokudaime had given to him had said. From their first meeting, Ino in particular had always been rather loud with her intentions but he suspected then and he suspected now that there was something she wasn't showing.

He wondered now if she wanted a husband, and he wondered if it was a path of life he'd be allowed to take. As a ROOT operative, it was known that his interactions with others wouldn't be normal in the broader society. It might surprise people to see him attempting at a new kind of relationship.

Sai knew that was because not many members of ROOT had shown the desire. Even he didn't care much for dating—though he had picked up a few books about the subject that morning—when he struggled enough with the relationships he already had.

So why, all things considered, had he said yes?

Ah, technically he hadn't, but he'd stayed the night, ate a piece of cake, listened as Ino read aloud her favorite book, and fallen asleep with her arms tucked under his. They were  _dating_.

He was more than a bit panicked about it, the more the realization sank in. It was like receiving a mission but lacking the necessary details to succeed, like having no senior to ask for contingency plans after having run through them all already.

Members of ROOT didn't feel emotion, at least not in the sense others did. Sai knew panic though. He knew the signs; sweaty palms, lumps in the throat, churning stomach and unsteady knees. Physical reactions that hadn't been phased out because it was survival instinct. He'd rediscovered other emotions too, during the war and with Naruto and the rest of his friends to observe.

Sai was capable of feeling rage, grief, happiness, empathy for others. He was  _capable_ —of being a friend.

Being a husband, on the other hand, with the possibility of being a father...

He'd never be prepared for  _that_.

Sai began to wonder if the dating books would have any information about breaking up.

"Sakura told me that Ino likes to take care of people before herself, even when she acts mean about it," Kino said after long thought. Her face lost the smile. "I think she's been lonely and she hasn't been taking care of herself."

The thought made Sai pause because it reminded him of his own impressions. He recalled the look on her face when she'd told him he could stay the night; her blue eyes angled towards his chest, her wispy strands of blonde hair escaping the tie, the pink of her lips as she spoke, and the way her shoulders were tucked inwards in a show of insecurity.

It had been that expression—and perhaps the one that had nearly compelled him to add color to his art—that had kept him there.

Sai wanted to see where a bond with Ino could go. He sort of liked the idea of taking care of her too. Was that reason enough to date?

"I think I'll talk to Naruto about this. He doesn't understand women much, but he'd be sad if I didn't tell him," Sai said, still half lost in thought.

Kino's smile returned. "We have good friends, don't we?"

The softness of her voice in the monotone she spoke with brought Sai's mind a few more memories he'd forgotten about during his time training for ROOT. He suspected she had a better memory of that time than him, but he still had to wonder if she recalled Shin and their desperate hope to stay together. If she remembered them vowing to be 'friends forever no matter what'.

He would never ask though. Sai had a feeling that they both missed him.

"We do have good friends." Sai grinned as widely as he could. "The best."

**恋とせきとは隠せない**

Ino was having a bad hair day, but that was really only the start of it. It soon dissolved into a sniffling day—then a cough—then a fever that made her almost drop from the dizziness standing at the cash register. It was by sheer stubbornness that she remained upright, helping a customer with their change who'd hurried out of the store in fear of germs.

She was the only one in the store when Sakura stepped by.

"Are you sick?" she asked as soon as she entered the flower shop, dropping by for lunch as she did often. She was dressed up in her summer garb, hair pulled up, making a clear indication that she'd been working at the hospital.

Ino made a pathetic whimpering behind the face mask she'd put on to keep the cold from spreading. Then she coughed, making Sakura's face screw up.

"You're part of the problem that I worked a sixteen hour shift yesterday, running around for colds! Why are you working? Go to bed or something!"

"I don't know where my mom is at," Ino whined. "She's not here to take over yet."

"She hasn't been in for a while, has she?" Her green eyes turned a shade darker as suspicion crossed her features. "You've been running the shop on your own for a while now, haven't you?"

Ino felt a bit attacked by the accusation. "Mom helps with flower cultivation in the morning and after hours. She's obviously not been the best person to talk to strangers lately about their grandkids and their dog's birthday."

"So, she leaves it all to you?"

"I'm capable."

"You haven't been on a mission in months."

"It's not been  _months_." Ino counted back in her head, and felt her frown deepen the longer she had to think. "Not months. It's been since—"

"Two months and three weeks, Ino. You're a shinobi! A kunoichi! Not the owner of a flower shop."

Ino rolled her eyes. As if she wouldn't eventually be both.

"Forehead, it's okay. It's just a cold that'll go away by tomorrow, not anything worthy of a lecture over."

Sakura deflated at that, but continued to frown. "I'm just worried about you. You've been so weird lately."

Even a bit annoyed at having been criticized, Ino felt the warmth of Sakura's intentions and was again grateful for the fact that they'd patched things up between them and had formed a relationship where they could be honest with each other.

Ino sniffled and while she blamed it on the cold, it might have been because she'd been moved to watering eyes.

"I'm dating Sai," she blurted.

"What? You're  _dating_ him?" Sakura's eyes were wide in disbelief.

"That's what I just said."

"I—ah, I mean, but  _why?_ "

"He's cute," Ino muttered.

"In some ways, I guess, but, he's—he's  _Sai_."

Ino raised a brow. "And I'm Ino. Plus, I read to him last night my favorite novel and he hung onto every word, even asked questions about my thoughts and then  _listened_. He's observant, in a kind of creepy way, I admit, but it's nice too. He's even gotten pretty good at kissing."

Sakura winced. "Too much information, that last part."

Ino rolled her eyes. "You're just jealous that I got a boyfriend and you don't."

"As if! Romance isn't everything, you know. Plenty of people are happy without it."

"Oh yeah?" Ino cast her a sympathetic look, not buying a word of hers. "I'm just saying, there's plenty of fish in the sea beyond Sasuke-kun."

Sakura's face reddened and she might have gotten angry enough to blow steam had it not been for the crestfallen expression that surfaced moments later. She deflated. "I've already given up on him. You think I should try dating someone else?"

Ino gave her next words careful consideration. "What are your options?"

"A guy asked me out to lunch today but I said I'd already made plans with you," Sakura offered.

"Is he hot?"

"Kind of? He's interesting to talk about medical journals, at least."

"Give him a chance. Enough so that you can dip your toes in the dating scene, maybe scope out a few bars. On your days off, we could go to a few places if you'd want."

Sakura nodded at this, taking it in with pensive silence. Then, with a wry smile, she said, "Thanks."

Ino grinned but it was entirely covered by her mask, and then a cough took it away.

The bell on the door chimed, and Ino clamped down an instinctive sigh. She knew that an empty store wouldn't last for long. Trying to put on smiling eyes, Ino looked to the entrance and then found a genuine reason to smile.

"Sai!" Ino came around the counter to shyly hug him, worried she might scare him away if she was too exuberant.

"Hello, beautiful," he said with a smile.

She preened a bit, even if she didn't believe him. Being sick looked good on no one.

As he set his hands on her forearms, taking a step away to look at her, his smile wavered. "Are you pretending to be the Rokudaime? Or are you ill?"

"It's a cold," she explained and wondered if he'd think it was cute if she whined to him.

Now that she thought about it, she wondered if he found her attractive at all or even a little bit cute in his eyes. Ino realized then that she didn't actually know why he'd agreed to be her boyfriend. It might have been that he just wanted the physical connection between them to continue.

Well, she didn't have the purest intentions to start with either, so she couldn't blame him if that was the case. Still, she  _was_  curious.

"Shouldn't you be in bed?" he asked, tone a bit too blunt to be caring.

"I can't. There's no one to look after the shop."

"Close it for the day then," he said, as if it were that simple.

"I can't, there are pre-orders to be taken care of."

Sai inclined his head. "I can take care of that."

"What?" Sakura and Ino exclaimed within seconds of each other.

He blinked. "It wouldn't be that difficult, would it?"

Ino cast a doubtful look towards him and shrugged. "Not especially, I suppose. The arrangements and bouquets have been made already, they're just waiting on the clients to drop by for pick up. But I'm worried about walk-ins, because you never know what they'll end up needing. It takes delicate conversation skills to really understand what a customer is after, and you'd need to be trained."

She felt sort of bad turning down his offer to help but honestly, she was just baffled he'd offered at all. Maybe he was going to be a better boyfriend than she thought.

Sai's smile remained. "Then, perhaps I can assist you today so that you aren't doing everything alone."

Ino didn't know how to react for a moment, taken aback by the phrase 'you aren't doing everything alone'. She frowned, willed herself not to be moved to tears again—gah, colds!—and then let herself breathe. She relaxed her shoulders and nodded.

"I'd like that a lot," she told him shyly, a bit embarrassed that she was accepting a boyfriend's help. She didn't believe she'd ever done it before.

"Well, I got a lunch to eat," Sakura cut in, a bit awkwardly as she waved the bento in her hand. "I'll be in the back office, if you two don't mind."

Sai looked at the box and then looked at Ino. "I'm going to retrieve something for you to eat," he said, and then vanished from sight seconds later before she could tell him she'd brought her own lunch already from home.

She didn't have the heart to tell him that when he brought her barbeque.

**でも、私はまだ試してみる** 。

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Language Guide;
> 
> 恋とせきとは隠せない - koi to seki to wa kakusenai - love and a cough cannot be hidden
> 
> でも、私はまだ試してみる。- demo, watashi wa mada tameshite miru - but I still try.


	16. Chapter 16

Kino decided to write a diary.

It was the sort of thing that never would have been allowed had she still been a part of ROOT, as the idea of cataloguing daily experiences where anyone could read and discover dangerous secrets was a likely risk that she wasn't allowed to take. Though, it wasn't as if she particularly wanted a diary when she was still under Danzo's command. If anything, she was glad there was no physical remnants of that time in her life.

The memories were kept distant in that way, almost like viewing it as the life of a different person altogether. Her past wasn't important anymore anyway—Kino was in a very different environment now. She didn't  _need_  to linger anymore.

Instead, Kino wanted to graph her progress in understanding and relating to broader society. She'd show herself in the words how it was possible to change, to retrieve what was once lost. One day, she'd show it to Sasuke too.

It bothered Kino to be missing  _his_  growth but the least she could do was keep track of hers. Sometimes it made her happier to be writing as if it were a letter to him. There, she could address everything as if one day her messages would reach someone.

_Today, I was given the day off. I spent it with my brother, and since he's begun to date Ino, she tagged along. I've been happy to see their relationship but also a bit sad. Happy, because I see my brother enjoying himself and at times, seems like a person completely transformed. It reminds me of before, when we lived in the orphanage. I always thought Sai would grow up to be a gentle, considerate person—as he always was with me—and now that Ino is here to revive these aspects in him, it excites me that any member of ROOT is not without hope of regaining themselves._

_But I was sad, and I found this emotion more difficult to conceptualize, to discover why I felt it at all. Around them, I am reminded of spying, peering in on private moments. Like an outsider. But maybe it's caused by my loneliness. I think it's because I'm missing someone right now, and I see in those two what some part of me wants for myself._

_In that way, I feel a bit childish, getting upset when I don't get my way. Still, these emotions are precious. It scares me to think I would have gone life never feeling this way, and that saddens me even more. I'm glad I'm capable of the emotion that makes my body ache and my heart figuratively sink. I'm glad I am sad. Happy sad?_

_The feeling is complicated._

**感情は複雑です**

"Sakura, I worry for him," Kino admitted quietly, the words slipping past her lips before she'd put much thought into who she was speaking to.

Sakura's shoulders went stiff but then an expression worked it's way onto her face, one Kino was taken aback by. It was a smile, one that if she'd applied any kind of emotion to, would be sad. "Me too."

"I don't think he'll come back," Kino whispered, unable to raise the volume of her voice. If she did, she worried it would add to the likelihood of it, no matter how nonsensical the thought.

"He has to," Sakura said with a bit of humor in the words. "There's no escaping  _Naruto_. Or you, I suspect."

Kino was quiet for a long while, just thinking and contemplating the words. She had a feeling that if Sasuke didn't want to be found by her, he could make it happen. Perhaps Naruto was not just the only one who could understand him, but the only one who could  _find_ him.

Jealousy tore through her, quick as a knife. She was so affected, she had to raise a palm to her chest and gasp. Her face contorted on it's own and she bowed her head, caught in the waves of emotion she couldn't turn off.

"I miss him," Kino choked out with constricted lungs. "Does it ever  _stop_?"

Sakura reached a hand out to thread her fingers through Kino's hair. She combed—pet her, for a few long moments, letting the silence sit before Kino heard a shaky breath beside her.

"No, I don't imagine it ever does."

**喉もと過ぎれば熱さを忘れる**

Sakura was fast becoming what she hated the most; a homebody.

Not that she was able to spend much time at home, but she usually spent hardly any to begin with. Training took time, hospital shifts took time, visiting friends took time, and attempting to form new relationships took time. Which is why she didn't like to  _waste_  it.

Yet here she was, laying in bed just thinking about getting up but not getting up.

For a while now, Sakura was going through what she was beginning to think of as a crisis. Something that might have something to do with her identity, and rediscovering who she was, who she wanted to be.

She was so used to having life figured out, having it all planned out in her head that it felt like being tossed into the waves of a tsunami. Or, not realizing she'd been in the eye of the storm the entire time, but was now experiencing the chaos of life for the first time.

Maybe a bad analogy, actually. Sakura knew chaos—she dealt in chaos,  _thrived_  in it, even. How else could she navigate through a surgery with the patient's life on the line otherwise? How could she have been through that damn war and come out the better for it, invigorated by the energy of the win and having come so close to death, yet still alive, if not for her ability to cope with chaos?

On the other hand, how could the rejection of a guy who'd spent most of his time ignoring her be the thing that felled her?

"I'm so pathetic," Sakura whispered, angered by the tears in the corner of her eyes.

But well, she was used to that too. Sakura had spent a long time being unsatisfied with herself in comparison to others. How could it be any different now?

It was that question that got her out of bed. Mostly because it pissed her off.

How could it be any different? Well it should be! She'd worked so  _damn hard_. She'd gone through hell training to get where she was at, years of it, and had spent so much longer hating herself into competency. She was respected by her peers in her line of work. In some cases, she was revered for her level of expertise, despite how young she still was, and was able to part in discussions that would lead the future of medicine.

Her name was legendary because of the actions she'd taken during the war. It was nowhere near Naruto's reputation, but alongside the Rokudaime, who had been  _her_ teacher at one point, and the other prolific name of he-who-shall-not-be-named, Sakura had still made a name for herself. A respectable one.

Yet, it just wasn't enough, and it was all  _Ino's_ fault.

She was the one who went and got a boyfriend, one Sakura actually liked for her. All the while, Sakura's love life consisted of a painful dichotomy between desperate and 'not that desperate'. Coming off of having been in love with someone since childhood and everyone knowing it, she hadn't been prepared for the feeling of starting all over.

She hadn't been prepared for correcting people that she wasn't dating that asshole who'd left the village, and she hadn't expected gut twisting pain at having to correct them at all.

Call her delusional all you want, but Sakura had always thought she'd end up with Sasuke sooner of later. She'd been prepared for the long haul and try as she might, she couldn't  _shut the damn faucet off_. Not on her emotions, not on her thoughts, not on her ability to hear what everyone said in the background.

"Aaauggghhhh!" The whole thing pissed her off  _so fucking much_.

And all the while, she couldn't even hate the other woman who got in her way.

Fuming still, Sakura streaked her hand across her face and rid herself of her weakness. Squaring her jaw, she went to the bathroom, carefully applied her makeup, and left the house to go somewhere where she might get over herself.

And the asshole who'd broken her heart.

**道に迷った。**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Language Guide;
> 
> 感情は複雑です - kanjou wa fukuzatsu desu - emotions are complicated
> 
> 喉もと過ぎれば熱さを忘れる - nodo mo to sugireba atsusa o wasureru - forgetting the heat once it's down your throat. Another proverb, basically meaning "after something difficult has happened, no matter how hard, it's like it never happened afterwards"
> 
> 道に迷った。- michinimayoutta - I lost my way.


	17. Chapter 17

Sakura lingered around the front door of where she probably had no business being. Of where the person who was supposed to be inside might not even be home. She still hadn't knocked to find out.

Raising her hand and lowering it, then raising it once more, Sakura was stuck in her indecision.

She kicked a foot into the dirt, sending a spray of rock and sand into the air. She thought maybe if she made enough noise, she wouldn't have to call out and hell, she didn't even know why she was so hesitant about this in the first place.

Maybe because he didn't seem like someone she had much reason to bug. Not like he'd ever taken a special interest in her life. Or ever especially tried to connect with. Really, he hadn't cared what she did with herself and, honestly, did she even think he'd give her good advice?

No.

Did she think she could open up to him where she failed to with others?

Maybe.

Ugh. This wasn't like her. She didn't mope in her head and lose sight of self worth! She was Sakura Haruno, student to the damn Hokage—two of them! Who else could make that claim? No one alive that wasn't her, that's for damn sure.

Inflated by her pep talk, Sakura slapped her knuckles against the door before she could think better of it.

No one came to the door.

"Oh hell, should have just gone to the damn tower first," Sakura muttered beneath her breath, walking away and feeling like an idiot. Sometimes she forgot that her former teacher could show up to work on time.

**思いすごし**

Kakashi spun in his chair, twirling a kunai around his thumb before slamming it onto his desk. He met her gaze and didn't look the least embarrassed to have been caught fooling around.

"Sakura-chan, you've come to visit me! It's been a while," he told her, smiling with his eyes in a way she was convinced only he knew how to. She stared a bit longer than necessary, a bit taken aback by how handsome—was that the word?—he had become. Sakura hadn't seen him enough times to have gotten used to the changes the war brought.

It was a bit humorous—Sasuke had taken the place where Kakashi vacated with covering one side or his face due to a doujutsu.

"It has been a while," she agreed.

"What's brought you? Could it be you worry about your old sensei selflessly overworking himself for the sake of others? Come to give doctor's orders for time off?"

Sakura brought a hand to her hip, and gave him a look. "No way, work hard! It's payback for all the time you wasted of mine and everyone else's in being late for everything all the time."

"Did you really just come to berate me for what I already apologized for?"

She snorted at that. "When did you apologize?"

Silence.

"I'm sure I did it... some time ago."

"Hm _mm_. Some time, huh?"

"Yes."

"Sensei, I have a problem."

Kakashi's face transformed instantly from a humorous sheepishness to serious concern as he regarded her with a shocking amount of care. She blinked as he asked, "What is it?"

Sakura swallowed—and felt sort of guilty that her problems were about something so silly as wanting dating advice. In equal part, she also felt kind of dumb for having come to  _him_. What did he even know about dating?

Cheeks set with heat, Sakura had to angle her eyes at his chin before she could stammer out her question, "What do men find attractive in girls?" Then, hearing those words playback in her head, realizing how dumb they sounded out loud, Sakura wanted to bite her tongue.

"Why do you ask?" Kakashi asked, tone a bit too breezy and words said a bit too carefully.

"Who else am I supposed to ask?" Sakura snapped back, embarrassed. Her voice set into a whine as she continued, "Naruto would just tell me I'm fine as I am, and it's not like I'm close with any other guy. The two of you are all I've got! So, Sensei, please?"

"Sakura-chan, you really are fine the way you are," he said, lifting up a pacifying hand and looking a bit panicked by her.

She growled and crossed her arms, jutting a hip out. "I'm talking about physical attraction here. Are you saying you find me attractive?" Sakura glared, too caught up in her frustration to be concerned about what she'd just asked.

Kakashi stared at her, fully baffled. "You're my cute student—"

"Well, if I wasn't?" she pressed.

Silence.

Upset, Sakura stepped forward to slam her palms down onto the desk. "That's a no, isn't it? So what's wrong with me, huh? My forehead is too big? My thighs are like the trunks of an elephant? My chest is flat—!"

"You're too young, is the obvious answer!"

She frowned, a bit startled. "So what?"

"So what? What do you mean, so  _what_?" He stared at her, brows sunk.

"Well, I mean, we're not talking as if you and me could actually  _date_. It's about whether or not you find me attractive." Sakura's frown deepened, it slowly dawning on her that one was just as bad as the other. Still, she asked, "Am I ugly?"

"No," he answered, relaxing a bit in his chair. He wouldn't meet her eyes.

"Wait, so you think I'm pretty?"

"You're beautiful," he said.

Sakura stumbled back, hit by the words and sincerity that laced them, her cheeks heating up to the point that she had to cover them with her hands.

Kakashi's eyes seemed to soften as he returned his gaze. "Sakura-chan, you shouldn't seek validation through others."

"I-I know," she stammered, and then weakly explained, "It's just nice to hear it, is all."

"Well, then let me say this; just because Sasuke didn't choose you, doesn't mean you were the weaker option. People can't control who they fall in love with, isn't that what all the romance books say?"

"You would know," she teased.

"I would," he agreed. "I also know that anyone would be lucky to have you as a wife."

"Thanks," Sakura mumbled, unsure what else to say. Her earlier frustration deflated, she was back to feeling aimless in what she wanted to do. "You think I should start by dating coworkers or is that a bad idea?"

"I don't know about things like that, Sakura-chan. You tell me when you find out."

"Ah," she breathed, then turned her back to him. "Okay."

It was with an odd feeling that she left the Hokage's tower.

**「ね…先生、だから何だ！？」**

_Today, I was on a mission with Hinata-chan. She's a person I find to be very cute and she said she thinks of me in the same way. I have to wonder, what makes me cute? When I asked, she told me it was because of my inquisitive nature. I've never been told before that I have a 'nature'._

_Nature is something intrinsic to a person's identity, to their personality. I was happy to discover I have an attribute like that, especially one that makes others look at me fondly. I wonder what other characteristics I have that I haven't noticed yet?_

_I'm going to ask around._

.

.

_A few entries ago, I made the decision to inquiry others what my traits are. I've since asked around and have received some interesting responses._

_Ino said that I'm a patient girl who listens well to others. The conversation derailed a bit but later, she added that I'm quick to learn things and fun to hang out with. She's my greatest friend, I think. I hope she looks to me in a similar light, though I know there isn't a way to beat the history she shares with Sakura. Not that I want to. I like Sakura too._

_Shikamaru-san said I am a diligent, thoughtful, considerate person. Choji-san agreed with that statement and added that I carry an aura that calms others. It's a bit embarrassing to hear words like that, but I don't know why. Regardless, I asked the two about my worst traits and they responded that perhaps I could be less shy with others. Shikamaru was very patient in explaining that I should make the effort to be more friendly with strangers. I found this to be valid advice._

_Kiba-san said that I'm a cute girl he'd ask out if he wasn't already dating someone else. Shino-san said I have a nice smell. Neither of them had much else to say, but then, I don't know them too well._

_I even asked the Rokudaime. He made the comment that he didn't want to talk about the attractiveness of any of the kunoichi under his command. Sakura, who was in the room at the time, had her cheeks turn red. At first, I thought it was the heat in the room but as the season is changing to winter, I realized that couldn't be the case. I suspect there is something going on between the two. An inside joke?_

_Before I could ask though, Sakura answered my question and distracted me. I found her response the most interesting. She said that I am a worthy opponent with the ability to deflect hate. She hopes my dedication will pay off where hers did not. She added that I can be annoying in my cluelessness but admitted that it's also what makes me endearing._

_I told her then that I think she's the most interesting person that I've ever met. It's the truth. I don't always know what to make of her, but I still like her so much. I hope that she can become a great friend of mine too._

_This entry feels incomplete. I don't know why. Or maybe I just don't want to remember why. There's an important person whose thoughts I still haven't heard. One day, I hope I can complete this._

_Until then, I'll be waiting._

**待ち惚け**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Language Guide;
> 
> 思いすごし - omoisugoshi - groundless fear; thinking too much; making too much of
> 
> 「ね…先生、だから何だ！？」- ne...sensei, dakara nanida - hey, teacher, so what?; who gives a damn
> 
> 待ち惚け - machibouke - waiting in vain. It's commonly written as '待ちぼうけ' but '惚' is a kanji that can mean 'fall in love with' or to 'admire'.


	18. Chapter 18

"Naruto and Hinata-chan are going out," Sakura announced as she stepped into the flower store.

Much to her surprise, Kino was there, as well as her brother. They turned their eerie gazes onto Sakura and smiled in greeting. People had taken to calling them twins because of the bizarre similarity the two shared though Kino looked decidedly more catlike with the gold of her eyes.

"This is good news!" Ino cheered.

Sakura didn't feel much the same. Well, okay, she did. Hinata deserved to be happy and so did her teammate. She'd even helped get them together! But she was also embrittled by deep, churning jealousy. Sometimes she couldn't stand herself.

"Seems a little like everyone in our age group is pairing off," Sakura noted with a bit more sourness than she intended.

"I wonder which couple is gonna get married first," Ino said, pretending to be oblivious to Sakura's misery.

"Married?" Sai blinked and if he wasn't already so damn pale, she might have suspected he'd lost a shade further.

Ino patted his shoulder gently, a wry grin on her face. "I'm making a joke."

Sakura snorted in disgust at this. "The both of you are already so nauseatingly cute, might as well get married now and save us the wait time!"

Sai frowned—it was somehow even more unsettling than his smile. "Should we?"

Ino waved her hand dismissively, a blush in her cheeks. "No way, we've only been dating a few months. Maybe in a few years, when everything's calmed down, or if we're even still together—"

"If?" Sai asked, looking startled.

Everyone in the room blinked at him, his sister included.

Very gently, Ino explained, "Sometimes couples don't work out."

Sakura fought against laughter when she saw the horror cross his face. Ah, he did have a cute side.

"We won't be like that," he said, setting his jaw piously, almost childlike.

Ino's eyes softened and she opened her mouth, but was interrupted before she could say anything.

"Sakura, do you want to have dinner with me?" Kino asked, an odd expression on her face.

"Just us again?" Sakura looked to Ino. "Have a date?"

Sai nodded for her. "We're going to the theaters because I've never gone."

Sakura took this in and held an arm out to Kino. "Let's go get ramen. I heard there's a discount for the night because of the happy couple."

"I wonder if Hinata-chan will be there to congratulate," Kino said as she took Sakura's elbow. The two of them made their way out of the store, waving goodbyes to the other happy couple. At this rate, Sakura would be alone forever.

"Probably. It's where Naruto spends all his free time anyway."

"Let's go to a jewelry store and pick out a gift," Kino suggested.

"Good idea," Sakura said, starting to cheer up now that she was being somewhat active. It was also just nice to be with Kino, who she'd reluctantly grown fond of over time. She was like a barnacle, attaching herself to a person without a second thought, quietly demanding attention.

Like a cat.

At the store, Kino picked out a hair clip with pale white pearlescent stones. "This will look good with her dark hair," she commented.

"Yours too," Sakura murmured, taking the clip and holding it to the side of Kino's face. It was in looking at her so closely that she found herself sinking further into the envy that had been following her like a cloud. Even on a plain face, Kino's eyes were striking—like they saw everything. But the most awful thing was that her face was far from plain.

Her skin was soft where Sakura's knuckles touched, her dark lashes were long, her nose pert and cute, lips full and lush. She was such a pretty girl! Sakura hated her for it, but only because it made so much more sense why Sasuke picked her.

A flash of Kakashi's face, and him saying she wasn't the weaker option crossed her mind. But what did he know?

"I'm so annoying, aren't I?" she muttered beneath her breath.

"I like you," Kino said earnestly.

Sakura patted her cheek, frustrated that she couldn't be happy hearing that. It sounded like the winner gloating, even if the situation was far beyond that. Sakura would most likely always see her as the winner.

"You should get something for yourself," Sakura suggested, trying to clear her head. "When Sasuke comes back, don't you want to look your best?"

It was the ultimate white flag that Sakura could make. Now was not the time to be a sore loser about things—she would even be supportive!

Kino blinked. "What sort of things would suit me?"

Sakura turned to look at the displays of jewelry, scanned over them quickly and went to lift a hairpin with a jade butterfly worked onto the metal. It was simple in design but then so was Kino. Cute, elegant, and a color that would compliment her eyes.

"This," she said, lifting it towards Kino, smiling.

Kino's eyes lit up a bit, a soft expression on her face as she took it into her palm. "I like it," she said.

"I'll pay, consider it my congratulation gift for you and Sasuke," Sakura murmured, trying not to show how much effort that took to say.

"But me and Sasuke aren't—"

"You will be," Sakura insisted firmly.

Kino's frown remained. It looked like a pout on her. "I'm getting something for you too."

Startled, she asked, "But why?"

Kino gave her a look as if it were obvious and said nothing else as she went off to explore the other displays in the store. Sakura watched her nervously when she went to the section for hair ornaments, the sort women usually wore for ceremonies like... marriage.

"Wait," Sakura called just as Kino picked out a floral ornament where two red azalea flowers were accented with smaller flowers caught on three lines of dangling red beads. They shined in the lighting, making it clear why it caught Kino's eye.

"This will suit you," Kino said in that soft monotone. With a decisive look in her eye, she went to the cashier and paid for Hinata's hair clip, as well as the hair ornament that mortified Sakura.

"Where am I going to wear something like that?" she asked under her breath as she made her way to pay for Kino's hairpin.

"At a wedding," Kino offered and to Sakura's sputter, she added, "Isn't that an occasion where people dress up?" Uncertainty crossed her features. "I've been trying to read more into the practices of people, but some books can be wrong."

With heated cheeks, Sakura shook her head. "You're not wrong. It's just, hair ornaments are worn by the bride at times like that."

"Oh." Kino looked thoughtful as the two of them walked out of the store with a wave to the cashier. "Then, please wear it when you get married."

_When will that be?_  Sakura internally screamed, finding it increasingly harder not to punch something. Gah, Kino didn't even realize when she was insensitive! It made it really hard to hate her for it.

So annoying.

"If I ever get married," Sakura said, mentally waving her white flag, "I'll wear it."

It was a few days later when Sakura found herself pulling out the hair piece and putting it on.

She cursed when it actually made her feel beautiful.

**自分と戦っている**

"Sensei, come have a drink with me!" Sakura yelled as she knocked on his front door. It was a minute later and after the sounds of pans clanking receded that Kakashi opened the door to look at her with blurry, exhausted eyes.

"No drinks," he said and Sakura gave his frame a worried glance over. He must have come off long hours spent at the Hokage's tower, given the tired posture he carried himself with, and the eyes that looked bloodshot.

Considering a shinobi's stamina, and her history with him on missions, Sakura assumed it had to have been a couple of days worth of insomnia.

"Are you cooking something?" she asked, doing a sniff test.

"Trying," he said, his size filling the doorway. He'd always been tall but standing in his presence now, Sakura felt small in comparison. It was like noticing for the first time something that had always existed, startling and uncomfortable.

She swallowed, pursing her lips before forcing herself to brighten. "I'll help! I had a long shift at the hospital and am  _starved_."

Sakura didn't want to risk the rejection, so she made to enter into his home with bodily force. He moved aside easily though, and the sake bottles in Sakura's bag clinked softly when she went to steady herself.

He looked at them. "Maybe I will have a drink."

"First, food," she told him, slipping off her shoes and following her nose to the kitchen. When she arrived, she had to sputter out a laugh. "What is this?" It looked like every pot or pan in Kakashi's arsenal was laid out in the open. One pot on the stove smelled like it was making miso soup.

"I don't know what I want to make," he explained.

Another laugh bubbled up her throat. "What do you even have stocked?"

A pained expression. "Not much. I don't get to shop these days. If I do, people come by to harass me for autographs. It's troublesome." Kakashi released a forlorn, miserable sigh.

"You can disguise herself, or get someone to do it for you," she quipped back breezily, looking through his cupboards and fridge, finding very little in what she could actually use to make something.

"Right."

"You just want to complain about something, don't you?" she teased, sliding a grin his way as she worked on returning the pots and pans to their rack on the wall. No use having them all out.

Kakashi released a yawning sound and blinked at her sleepily. "Are we gonna cook something, or...?"

For a while she didn't answer, and instead went looking for a container with a locking lid to put the soup in. It would be a waste not to take it with.

"Take this," she said, giving him the soup to carry.

"Are we going somewhere?"

"We're going to my place," she informed him, picking up her sake bag and reaching to tug him after her. She was met with resistance.

"Wait, what? I—Sakura-chan, no, that's a bad idea."

She blinked at him. "Why is it?"

He shifted uncomfortably, and gave her a look as if she could figure it out on her own. She couldn't.

"Why?" she repeated.

Kakashi stared at her for a few moments longer before sighing. "Because of your bizarre interrogation a while ago, and the bunch of tattletales who were listening in, there's been rumors about...us."

"Rumors."

"Yes."

Feigning innocence, she asked, "What kind of rumors?"

_Please let it not be—_

"The romantic sort."

She blinked rapidly, both horrified and dumbfounded by the mere idea of it. "People heard all of that?"

"People are always listening in that place."

"Well, aren't they, like, sworn to secrecy?"

"Apparently not when it's about my love life—or lack thereof, in this case."

Sakura stewed on this for a moment, disturbed by the thought that she could ever be involved in some kind of romance with  _Kakashi_. He was her former teacher for god's sake—er, not that couplings like that hadn't happened before. It wasn't looked well upon in society but it wasn't  _unusual_  and there was the added popularity in romance novels with a bit of the 'forbidden' aspect.

But still! Everyone already knew she was head over heels for her teammate.

Did they think she'd change her affections so quickly?

She'd never considered the idea with her teacher before. He was attractive, sure, but so were a lot of people. Besides, he'd always seemed too...  _unattainable_. Emotionally, physically, mentally—just set apart from everyone. Hell, he had a mask covering half his face and nobody had ever seen him without it, not even the people presumably closest to him, like herself.

Frowning, she shook her head. "I still don't see why you coming to my place is a bad idea. My  _parents_  are there. Nothing, you know,  _indecent_  can happen anyway."

She shuddered at the idea of anything inappropriate going on with him. Cheeks heating up, she had to look away, horrified the more her mind conceptualized it.

"Your parents will be there?" he asked, blinking.

"Yeah. So, we gonna go? Because I can make us both a dinner that'll give us energy for tomorrow. Plus, drinking with my dad is always hilarious," she added, snickering at the idea. "When he's drunk, he starts talking to inanimate objects. Mom does this bit where she pretends to be speaking back to him."

"I'm in," Kakashi said, herding Sakura through the house as she giggled.

"You should lend your voice in, it'll be extra funny 'cause he won't see your lips moving."

Kakashi coughed a few times, and then, in a completely different tenor, responded, "Will do."

Sakura cackled. Tonight was going to be just what she needed.

**世間の口**

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Language Guide;
> 
> 自分と戦っている - jibun to tatakatte iru - I'm at war with myself
> 
> 世間の口 - sekennokuchi - literally; world's mouth, an expression meaning "what people say; gossip; rumors"


	19. Chapter 19

Kakashi made for an entertaining drunk, almost as much as her father did. Clearly sleep deprived, Kakashi lost any serious bone in his body and had resorted to a child's sense of humor, which paired surprisingly well with her dad's.

Together, they had Sakura and her mother on the floor, begging for mercy to be taken on their lungs.

"Why did the chicken cross the road?" Kizashi asked Kakashi, who stared at him.

"It didn't."

Kizashi blinked with blurry eyes. "Why not?"

"I ate it," Kakashi informed him, making her father pale at the news.

Lifting a hand to his mouth, Kizashi asked on a whisper, "You ate it?"

"Yes."

"But it was supposed to get to the other side!" Kizashi wailed, turning to the cup in his hand. "Can you believe this guy?"

"This guy is a hunk," Mebuki responded behind her hand in an altered voice.

Sakura's father began to weep. "My cup even loves him more!" Desperate, he lifted his discarded chopsticks and asked, "Do you love me still?"

"Did I ever love you?" Sakura joined in, heightening her pitch to be childlike. She giggled madly when her father snapped the sticks in half but only after making an agonized groan of pain to keep things realistic.

Faced with utter betrayal, Kizashi looked to Mebuki. "Can you believe this? Just because he's better looking, he takes everything away from me. What's next, he'll marry my daughter and leave me desolate without her?"

A sober Sakura might have become outraged at the suggestion, especially considering the rumors she had just been informed of. However, a drunk Sakura found the idea to be the funniest thing to ever be said.  _Her_  marrying  _Kakashi_? As if!

And she knew exactly what would make it funnier.

"Wait, wait, I'll be right back," she told the room as she stood up from the dining table and went up to her bedroom. It was with hasty movements that she grabbed the hair ornament Kino had gotten her, pulling her hair up into a messy bun so the pin could hold.

With that, she ran downstairs and presented herself with open arms. "Sensei, let us be wed!"

Mebuki squealed, clapping her hands. "Oh! Baby, you look so lovely! Yes, a wedding! Tonight!"

Kakashi laughed and nodded enthusiastically before standing up to take Sakura into his arms, crushing her into a hug, his frame unsteady enough to press the two of them into a wall. "Looks like I win, Kizashi-san," he slurred out.

"Not yet!" Kizashi cried out, slumping in his chair. "You have not received my permission!"

"Daddy," Sakura whined, disengaging from the bone crushing embrace to place a hand at her hip.

"Kizashi," Mebuki said warningly.

Clearly defeated, he relented with a weighted glare at Kakashi. "Fine! Fine! My baby looks beautiful as always," Kizashi declared, stepping out of his chair to kiss Sakura's cheek sloppily.

She giggled and then turned to Kakashi, in time to see him shaking in laughter. "Husband! Take me upstairs to my, I mean,  _our_  bedroom!"

"No hanky pankering!" Kizashi yelled.

She giggled. Drunk Sakura thought this idea was ridiculous enough to warrant it. "It's my wedding night!" Sakura shot back.

"It's her wedding night," Mebuki agreed, holding her husband back from getting violent.

Kakashi ended the discussion by placing an arm behind Sakura's knees and swinging her into his arms to carry her up the stairs. She squealed as they went, wild with giggles when he threw her onto the bed.

He stared down at her, the moonlight making the lightness of his hair glisten. It was too dark to see the expression of his eyes.

Even drunk, her mind could recognize the bizarreness of the situation now that the laughter had faded.

And so did his, apparently, as he attempted to leave through her window. Sakura didn't know what made her jump up from the the bed to stop him, but regardless, she latched her arms around his waist and pressed her face into his back.

"You don't have to go. It's a big bed," she said.

She thought about trying to go to sleep by herself, and while a sober Sakura wouldn't have cared, a wasted version of herself found the idea to be intolerable. She'd been feeling too lonely lately, out of sorts with her relationships and antsy, insecure.

It made her want her teacher to stick around, just a little longer to be there for her.

"I shouldn't." His fingers went to pry hers off.

"I want you to stay," she mumbled, squeezing tighter.

It was her drunk attempts at keeping a good night from ending.

Kakashi twisted in her arms to look at her, his hands coming down onto the sides of her hips. She blinked, amazed at the intimacy between them, was troubled by it. Had anyone else ever touched her like that? She wasn't convinced she'd ever held anyone so close before.

"You saying that gives me bad ideas," he told her sincerely.

She went quiet at that—even a drunk Sakura knew what he was referring to.

It annoyed her. Was he purposely trying to drive her away, saying that?

He hands went to card through her hair, jostling the ornament. "This suits you," he said.

"Kino bought it for me."

"Ah."

"Mmhm."

They weren't letting go of each other.

"It's our wedding night," she pointed out, forcing a giggle, adding, "and we're both drunk and tired."

"We are."

"You  _are_  drunk, right?"

He nodded. "Aren't you?"

"Yeah."

"Alcohol makes me people do wild things," he noted.

"It does," she agreed.

"But  _sleeping_  isn't a bad idea."

"In fact, as a medic-nin, I'd say it's a very good one."

"You're the expert here."

"I am," she whispered, slipping her hands to his forearms and stepping them back towards the bed.

When her knees hit the side of it, she laid herself on top of it, his weight falling onto hers. Kakashi groaned, tried to roll off of her, but their limbs were too tangled. He smelled good, even with the stench of alcohol between them. Breathing in, for a moment they just laid there together.

"It would be more comfortable," she began, a bit shyly, "if we..."

"If we?" he prodded, raising onto his elbows to look at her.

She might've been blushing when she blurted, "I usually sleep without, ya know, unnecessary clothes."

He blinked owlishly at her.

"That's a bad idea," he said after a long moment.

"It's to get comfortable," she said defensively. "And I won't take off my underwear and bra. It's perfectly innocent. Plus," she whispered through a smile, "my parents are home. No hanky pankering."

"That's true," he allowed. "Another thing is that you've seen me shirtless plenty of times."

"Because you're always getting hurt!" she groused.

"Not anymore," he said forlornly. "I'm the Hokage now. I don't even get paper cuts these days."

"Copy ninja turned into the paper copy ninja," she teased, shifting beneath him to tug off her skirt. At the increased difficulty of him on her and having the limbs of a drunk, she looked for help when she didn't didn't have much luck. He looked amused but made no move to assist her.

Sakura grunted, rolling her hips against his as she clawed at the waistband of her skirt. "Please? Sensei," she begged.

Even through his mask, she could see his jaw tightening. He stared at her, all humor erased from his eyes. It was only after she rolled her hips for a second time that he grabbed her hips to still her.

"Just take my skirt off," she said, wondering why he didn't just do it.

Kakashi grunted, his gaze sharp on hers before using the hands at her hips to shove the hem of her skirt down past her thighs, leaving it at her knees where she could maneuver them down and kick them off. Considering his reaction towards the skirt, she didn't have it in her to ask if he could take off her shorts underneath.

She supposed it wouldn't be awful to just sleep in them.

Sakura went to strip off her shirt, having a bit more luck with it than the skirt as she inched it up her back. It was when it moved past her chest that she realized she had a problem. Giggling and with her face masked by the cloth of the skirt, she gave a helpless wiggle.

"Sensei, please, again."

This time he helped her without dramatics and she was left happily in her bra, exposed skin touching the softness of her bedsheets. Heaven.

She nearly passed out right then and there, but was jostled back into awareness when Kakashi shifted to tug off his own shirt. His bare skin touched hers and for a moment, Sakura was caught by a feeling of awe.

Kakashi was so  _warm_ , and touching him, being so close to him, felt so  _good_.

Sakura squeezed her eyes shut, wanting to be left alone to the sensation of touch. She ran her fingers over his arm, up his shoulder and made a journey down his back. She'd felt a few raised scars, discovering that underneath, Kakashi had a body composed of lean muscle. His tall frame made much more sense, knowing it had to carry his strength.

Even still, Sakura knew she could physically crush him if she wanted to.

She opened her eyes and said, softly, "We need to get under the covers."

"Under the covers," he repeated, and then looked around them for the blankets.

"We're on top of them, silly."

"Oh," was all he said before, with one arm, Kakashi hooked her waist and anchored her to him. Then, with a deft move that was too quick for her drunk mind to follow, Kakashi had them under the blankets.

Sakura snuggled against him, drawing circles on the skin of his back. "Goodnight," she whispered.

"Night."

Sleep claimed her on a sigh.

**外泊**

Sakura woke up, surprised her head wasn't hurting, but as she went to touch her forehead, she was startled even further by the body next to hers. And not just any body; one she could recognize with a glance. Kakashi had an arm thrown over his eyes, his masked chin angled away from her.

As she went to sit up, the blanket fell to expose his chest. It was a very nice looking one but  _not_  something she needed to see so damn early. Especially because of who it belonged to.

Scowling, Sakura tried to recall what exactly went on to explain why they were in bed together, and to her mind came whispered conversations that a sober Sakura reacted to with heated cheeks. Embarrassed, she pressed her hands to her face and shook her head, baffled by what her life had become.

How could she ever trust her drunk self again!?

Had she really pretended to marry her teacher using the hair ornament Kino got her?

She wanted to laugh but was so flustered seeing Kakashi in her bed that she couldn't let herself. Sakura wanted to be nonchalant about it. She'd slept in Kakashi's vicinity  _hundreds_  of times before, so why should this be any different just because they were in a bed?

It shouldn't be—but it was.

This alarmed her, and the confusion was so strong that she had to fight the temptation to smack him awake aside. Instead, she prodded at him, poking his side and waiting for him to awaken. When he didn't, Sakura grew concerned; he was usually the easiest person in the world to wake up.

Which must have meant he was  _really_  exhausted.

Worried, she went to checking on his vitals and was counting the beats of his heart when they accelerated and he attacked, hands reaching. Sakura went on the defense without a thought, blocking when he went to grip her throat, and in her desperation to bring him back to his senses, she launched herself at him.

He skidded off the bed, steadying himself on the wall.

"Sensei?"

"Sorry," he mumbled, shaking his head and blinking rapidly with blood shot eyes. "Just a bit disoriented." He cleared his throat with a grunt and gave her a once over, his eyes lingering on her thighs. Sakura shifted uncomfortably but strangely, not because she disliked the attention.

So  _bizarre._

Silence enveloped the room, and a flustered Sakura went to retrieve her skirt and put it on. She could feel his eyes on her, but was too baffled by him and herself that she didn't say anything. She only began to breathe easier when she got on her shirt.

"I should go," he said, sitting on her bed and looking weighed down by exhaustion. He ran a hand over his eyes, shaking out his hair and carding through it for knots. She blinked down at her twitching fingers, startled by their desire to help him.

Weird, weird, weird.

"Stay for breakfast," she ordered before she could think it through.

A normal thing to say, normal plans for normal people.

"You seem to like creating fodder for those rumors about us, don't you?"

Sakura leveled him with a stare and lied, "I don't care about the rumors."

Kakashi gave her a look of his own. "It'll be harder for you to find someone else, if you have my shadow hanging over you."

What the hell was that even supposed to mean? Sakura had options for dating everywhere.  _She_  was the one having trouble deciding which person to date, to try forming a romantic attachment for.

"And yet," she said in a teasing tone, to distract herself, "I can hear your stomach rumbling."

He shook his head with a long suffered sigh, turning his gaze up to the ceiling as if for guidance. After a minute of silence as Sakura worked on brushing her hair, he finally asked, "What's for breakfast?"

Despite it all, she grinned. If they ate together, they could just go back to being their regular selves.

Or, as she snuck a glance at him, that was what she hoped.

**人の口には戸が立てられない**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Language Guide;
> 
> 外泊 - gaihaku - spending the night somewhere else (usu. away from home); sleepover
> 
> 人の口には戸が立てられない - hitonokuchinihatogataterarenai - you can't control what people say; you can't stop rumours


	20. Chapter 20

_It struck me today, this realization that the shinobi around me are all expected to be their own person, while still acting as a part of society under the commands of the Rokudaime._

_How do people manage to do this? How do these people manage to keep their sense of self, their ideals as individuals, their developed personalities? How do they keep such things from fracturing?_

_It confuses me!_

_I realized too, that somewhere along the line, I stopped referring to Sasuke as my master. Isn't it strange, how that happened without me noticing? I don't treat his name with an honorific either. He is Sasuke to me. I think this allows me to look past his act in freeing me, this debt that I owe him, that keeps me bound to him._

_I wonder if it meant anything to him at all, my company. Did he ever say that I needed to do anything for him? I can't recall._

_I wonder now if that was why he told me that I couldn't 'see' him._

_My questions seek answers from abstract thought, ideas that I still can't reliably comprehend. I find myself feeling stupid, small—why can't my mind grasp these concepts? How is it that it is so easy for everyone else?_

_Did ROOT training really shape me so much? The thought leaves me feeling desolate, lost, and confused. What am I missing? How can I get it back? The ultimate question, though, is one that keeps circling. I ask, to the point of exhaustion; who am I? When did the answer become so important to me?_

_Who do I want to be? What do I want to do?_

_In ROOT, I never gave such questions much thought. It was all decided for me. Sometimes, it scares me, the choices I get to make for myself. The things I get to choose as my opinions, my ideals, my dislikes, my likes. The options are limitless—how does anyone keep track of such things once you decide? And how does one go about deciding?_

_I don't know. I don't understand. Why can't I?_

_None of this entry makes any sense._

_._

_._

_I'm angry at him. There's no other way I can put it. Perhaps I've had too much time to think and I'm forgetting the reasons I was ever okay with him leaving. I thought I was fine with it for a long time._

_But I've changed my mind! (Apparently this is allowed, and Ino does it quite often.)_

_Admittedly, I don't have very good reasons to be angry. I understand I have no control over his actions, and have no influence over his choices. If I did, then he would have asked me for my opinion. People do that when they want to pursue closeness, and create friendship. I wish he would have asked me. I wish he cared to have my influence in his life. Isn't his leaving proof of rejection? Did he never feel remotely what I felt for him? Is this view too simplistic?_

_Regardless, he never wanted us to be close. I think so much now, about the days I shared with him. Memories I found to be my happiest are now clouded with doubt. I'm troubled with insecurities and I realize that I feel this way, knowing he and I never made any promises. We never spoke about what we meant to each other. There's no reason for me to feel as if I'm owed something._

_I'm not entitled to him._

_Despite that, I still care about him, and it guides me to these emotions. (Is the word to use here love? Do I love him? What even is that, and how do people decide they feel it? Ahh, whatever!)_

_I think it's because of this that I have such childish reasons for being angry._

_For one, he left me without direction. He's absolved of this because he doesn't need to accept responsibility for me, he was allowed to reject me as a servant. But feelings are most unruly because they act irrationally. I never thought there would be a day where my mind and emotions were in different places, telling me different things._

_I've never been so conflicted. It's a misery._

_But it's not the only thing. What about the people he has left behind? Not just me, he left all of his friends and ignored his other options. He was focused so much on himself, he never realized he was hurting others. I speak with Naruto often and he has admitted he feels a sense of guilt. He worries he didn't do enough for him. It was a moment of awakening for me._

_This person I cared for so much, easily hides from others. It concerns me. It maddens me. I learn new things everyday about myself, and lately I've been feeling regret for this. If I never tried to improve myself, I could have gone on happily ignorant of things to criticize him about._

_I cried last night, so sad for him and wondering just what makes him do the things he does. I get angry thinking about it, but afterwards, it cools into a feeling that leaves me a bit breathless. I can't even say something like, "I'm still glad to feel this". Because I'm not._

_Will he ever allow me in? Will I ever be able to understand him like Naruto can?_

_I am glad I have a place to write all of this down, to better understand what's been frustrating me so much. But now I'm a bit afraid someone might read this. I thought, once, that I might show him. But I don't think I will._

_It's a lonely feeling._

**今更なんて**   **言わないでね**

Kakashi was hungover and sleep deprived. He'd made choices last night that he didn't care to visit in the daylight, in the office of the highest position a shinobi could attain. He had people to lead, lives to think of, systems to keep running smoothly and efficiently.

Not like those choices were a cause for concern anyway.

He and Sakura had ended up enjoying a nice breakfast, talking about bizarre mission requests and the unfortunate souls he'd assigned to them. Things were fine, normal. In fact, what a fun night he had been able to have, a break away from work, replaced with hours full of laughter. Cuddling wasn't so bad either, it was innocent enough. He cuddled with his dogs all the time, and a cute student of his was a bit like a dog, when he thought about it.

_God,_ why had he called her beautiful? That was what he really regretted. If he hadn't said that, the marriage jokes would have just been that, jokes.

Kakashi spun in his chair, closing his eyes and praying for sleep. Just a few minutes, at least.

"Hokage-sama, a kunoichi by the name of Kino is here to see you."

"Send her in."

Curiosity let him relax back into the role of a good leader. He rarely saw Kino and though she was a bit too vague for him to remember clearly, he thought she made for a good shinobi. She'd been slowing her mission intake recently, something he hoped was because she finally found her balance within the village.

He'd almost worried she'd go rogue when Sasuke left, could never be too sure with someone as hard to understand as a member of ROOT. He'd had headaches for weeks figuring out what to do with all the operatives Danzo left behind, and while she was a shining example of assimilation, others hadn't been so well adapted. Especially of those that had still been children, lots had left.

Kino wasn't smiling as she entered, her brows drawn downward and her lips pulled into a worried curl.

"What have you come to see me for?"

"Let me join Sasuke on his mission," she said, surprising him.

But maybe he was more surprised it had taken her so long to ask.

"Are you sure Sasuke would be happy about this?"

"I don't care. I'm mad at him," Kino said, her monotone twisting a bit in a way that almost made her sound normal.

"Why are you mad at him?" Kakashi asked, intrigued.

Kino pressed her lips together. Her cheeks reddened slightly.

"Hmm," he intoned, a bit disappointed she was so private. Pot calling kettle black, some might say.

"He's spent enough time on his own," she said. "I want to at least see him again. I don't think it's right for him to spend so much time away from home."

Kakashi found the word 'home' curious coming from her. Both because she recognized Sasuke had a home in Konoha at all, and she was speaking like a mother who's son had gone astray.

"Perhaps, I should call for his return? A month, maybe, call it a vacation," Kakashi mused.

Kino put a hand on her hip and angled her body in a way that was disturbingly like Sakura. Confidence and smugness. A victory pose.

_What is being taught to her?_

ROOT members were a lot like impressionable little kids without any parents to combat bad behavior. He snorted at the thought.

"I'll send him a letter," Kakashi told her, amused by the thought of what could come from this.

Probably not a whole lot of good.

**罪悪感**

Sakura would have been certain the staring was all in her head, had it not been for the awkward attempts by others to cover it up. The entire day, she felt eyes on her. She was being scrutinized and judged, and though she had the beginnings of an inkling to what it might be from, Sakura was stubborn in her thought that it couldn't be  _that_.

"Do I have something on my face?" she asked Shimako, a nurse she'd been able to count among her friends for the past year.

The older woman cast a furtive glance around, took Sakura's arm and dragged her closer to whisper, "Is it true?"

Willfully ignorant at this point, Sakura forced herself to choke out a, "What?"

"Is it true?" Shimako slapped gently, albeit insistently on Sakura's forearm. "You and the Rokudaime?"

"What about me and him?" Sakura asked, getting a bit annoyed.

"You and him getting married," Shimako stated, her nose wrinkling. "Is it not true then?"

Sakura blinked. It almost felt like time slowed as she tried to comprehend the words and relate them into reality. She went to give a firm and resounding 'no' but the sound that came out instead was a strangled yowling as she momentarily forgot how to speak.

Shimako's eyes sharpened. "Is it true? Come on, is it?"

Sakura shook her head, almost causing self injury in her haste to express her utmost denial. With a groan, Sakura ran a stressed hand through her hair, messing up her put together ponytail. Glancing around, she hissed, "Where did you hear this?"

Shimako shrugged. "Everyone is talking about it."

"Well," Sakura started lamely, not knowing what to make of it all, "it's not true."

More importantly, was there such a thing as having  _privacy_? Apparently not for the Hokage. For the first time, Sakura almost sympathized with Kakashi and the social circumstances he found himself in—couldn't be fun with everyone trying to solve his mystery, more so than ever before, now that he had an entire village worth of people looking at him.

It also kind of annoyed her, people trying to pry so much into things when it was none of their business.

"I thought that would be the case! I didn't think you were the type, so I didn't want to believe it," Shimako said behind a giggle.

Shimako was brazen with her opinions, something Sakura appreciated in the field of medicine and better hospital protocol. Sakura tended to trust her to always tell the truth about things, or at least, the truth from her perspective.

Still, it was the first time Sakura felt almost  _defensive_  against something Shimako said.

"What do you mean, not the type?" Sakura asked carefully.

"You just don't seem the type to pursue older men, and frankly," she added with a wince, "not the type he'd be attracted to."

Sakura shifted uncomfortably, but didn't interrupt, not trusting herself to be nice if she spoke out loud.

"I mean, it's awkward, isn't it?"Shimako continued. "He is, or was, your teacher at one point. Knew you when you were just a kid." She paused, gave Sakura a cursory glance over. "How old are you now, sweetie?"

_Did she just call me—?_

"I'm turning nineteen in March," Sakura answered, trying not to take offense to the condescending tone that was  _probably_  unintended.

"And he's... How old is he again?"

"Thirty-two."

"See? That's like thirteen years between the two of you. It's just not appropriate."

It might have been a bad sign that the first thing that Sakura thought was,  _Since when has Sensei ever done anything appropriate?_

Sakura's face filled with heat. "You're right," she mumbled, at a loss for anything else to say.

"You know, I was a bit worried. When I heard the other's talking, I was almost convinced it was your reaction to that teammate of yours rejecting you." She leaned to whisper with sympathetic eyes, "I've noticed you be a bit insecure with the relationships you have."

Sakura stared at Shimako, mixed with a myriad of emotions she couldn't put to words. It was with great effort that she forced herself to smile and say, "Thank you for worrying about me, but I would never make a rebound out of my, er, former teacher."

To even say the words convinced Sakura she'd woken up in some alternate reality.

Never once did she think she'd have to deny such things. In fact, by now she was supposed to be part of a happy couple with Sasuke, already convinced that there was no one else for her but him. Just thinking about the loss made her want to curl up under the covers and cry, but she'd never attempt to forget the rejection by seeking out Kakashi.

Sakura blinked, startled.

Or had she?

The whole reason why any of this mess got started was because of her going into the Kage's office to complain, wanting validation from someone else, from  _him_. And then, hadn't she gone to his house on her own, with sake in tow, ignoring the fact that he was sleep deprived in her selfishness for company? And, it had been  _her_  who'd went wild with the marriage comment her father made, getting him to sleep with her on the bed because she had been  _lonely_.

She mentally began to string together a slew of curses.

All of this was  _her_  fault—because she began seeking for what she yearned for in the only man in her life that she trusted inexplicably.

It was a moment of such raw self awareness that Sakura had to cut off whatever it was Shimako had been saying to excuse herself, claiming she had a surgery to get to. Then, a bit horrified by herself and how weak she'd been lately, she ran off to the closest restroom to try and  _think_ , wanting to be alone and away from the stares.

She was really starting to feel she ought to say sorry to Kakashi.

**けちのつき始め**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Language Guide;
> 
> 今更なんて 言わないでね - imasara nante iwanaide ne - even now, I can't say
> 
> 罪悪感 - zaiakukan - feelings of guilt; guilty conscience
> 
> けちのつき始め - kechi no tsuki hajime - the first sign of bad luck; the first bad omen


	21. Chapter 21

Sasuke didn't know what to think about the letter calling him back to the village.

He assumed it couldn't mean anything good, and although he loathed to discover what it was about, there was a small part of him that almost looked forward to it. He didn't listen to this part of him very often, for good reason.

It made it all the easier for his expectations to breed disappointment, and Sasuke was more than a bit tired of disappointments, enough to last a lifetime.

Still, he thought of Kino and how it was her he looked forward to seeing again the most. He wondered how time apart had affected her, if her feelings had changed and she was glad he was gone. He winced thinking that. It was the worse case scenario, considering he'd left the Uchiha estate to her for reasons beyond being charitable, but it was a scenario that could happen.

Kino was not the average person, there was no telling what was going through her head half the time, and though he'd tried in the past to understand her, he still didn't get why she was so dedicated to him in the first place. Unexpectedly, it made him feel insecure in their relationship-a relationship he wasn't even really sure how to describe.

Sasuke couldn't call what he felt for her to be love. He didn't know if he was capable of such things after everything he'd been through.

Because he'd spent the majority of his life fueling the hate in him, after coming to be competent in the power he'd done everything to obtain, he felt awkward, uneasy,  _scared_ to be trying at something so different. Something so unlike him to entertain the idea of.

He could never be like Naruto, who embraced happiness after hardship like it was breathing air to him. Sasuke was bitter, jealous, uncontrolled in his fury, angry at everything and everyone, and- _lonely_ -seen as undesirable company.

He didn't love her, and didn't even want to try to.

He was, instead, taking advantage of her and the companionship she readily gave, taking it all without a thought, tying the rest of her life to his in plans she hadn't agreed to yet but that he was almost certain she would.

Him, the remains of a massacred clan, and her, a girl who's emotions had been destroyed by the very one who'd devised his family's death. It was so fitting, in an ironic sense, that he hoped it was the both them who ensured the survival of his clan. Spiting the dead monster with that outcome was the cream on top in this case.

It could have been that anyone would have done, that he could have found what he needed with Sakura, or some other girl who was willing to overlook his reputation.

But at least it was her, who wouldn't try and ruin him, who didn't see the depths of his decayed mind just yet, and...

At least it was her who he thought might be nice to kiss again.

**散々嫌になって**

Kino sucked in a breath and fidgeted with the pin in her hair, suddenly more nervous than she anticipated. Ino had helped pull her black hair into braids that had been rolled into a bun. She had even said Kino looked cuter than normal, but somehow it made her worry it was the wrong appearance to have as a shinobi.

Especially the wrong appearance to see  _him_  with. Maybe it was a bit... strange? Strange in that she never dressed up more than necessary, affixing herself to mission parameters or plain, understated clothing. What if she looked weird?

"I change my mind!" Kino said, realizing that this might just be too much for her.

(And wouldn't he be angry when he was told she'd been the one who requested his return?) Somehow, her own anger seemed small in comparison. Or, better described, dissipating in the fear that he would begin to hate her.

She had to go back to the Hokage, tell him to rescind the letter.

"It's okay to change your mind," she muttered, her fingers still twisted around the pin, about to pull it out. "Ino does it all the time. That's what Sai said." Though, Kino had rarely seen her do it; Ino always came off more as the decided type, someone who made choices and rarely regretted them.

Panicked, Kino pulled out her diary and wrote,  _I wish I were a lot more like Ino! And Sakura—both of them are so much stronger. To be so firm and commanding—_

"I leave and come back to you wanting to be like  _them_?"

Kino's hand paused, and her entire body stiffened before she tilted her chin up to meet his gaze.

"Sasuke," she said softly, the pen falling from her fingers and rolling onto the desk. Then, realizing she'd forgotten to address him properly, she added softly, "-san."

He smiled, the sharpness to his gaze a welcome sight after having been without it for so long. Her breath caught, her heart jumped in her chest, though for entirely different reasons than before.

"Kino."

Holding his gaze, she had to wonder where her anger vanished to. It couldn't be that emotions could evaporate so easily, could they? No. Instead, they were replaced with the almost physically palpable relief that sunk a sigh through her lips.

"Sasuke," she said again, and then, surprised at the blurriness to her sight, laughed. It was through a thick voice that she stood from her desk, took his hand into hers and said, "Welcome home. I've been waiting. "

He was quiet for a moment, his gaze caught on the sight of his hand in hers, and she stared at it, curious what he found so interesting. It was perhaps the first time she noticed how big his hand was in comparison to hers, how it took two of hers to clasp one of his.

She laughed. It seemed like the sort of thing to do. "I'm still smaller."

"Yeah," he agreed, his shoulders slackening before he pulled his hand away. She was disappointed but the emotion didn't last—he used his sole arm to wrap it around her waist and pulled her to him. He let his chin settle on the top of her head, adding, "you're still small."

Kino took it as permission to do what she really wanted; she slung her arms around him and pressed her face into his chest, memorizing the textures of his clothes, the scent of his skin, the sensation of his warmth affecting hers. She sighed, feeling herself relax for the first time in a long time.

Of course, it had to be ruined with him pulling away.

He gave a pointed look at her diary. "What's that?"

Kino weighed the options she had as a response but found her silence stirred his curiosity further. He went to pick it up and Kino reacted on instinct, sweeping the book off her desk and pressing it against her chest.

"It's..." Kino didn't know how to describe it.

"Private?" he guessed, his brows raising. Sasuke almost looked amused by her.

"Yes," she whispered. "It helps me work through my thoughts."

"I'm glad," he said, stepping away from her to look around her room. "It's still plain. Don't you want to decorate it?"

This baffled her. "Decorate? What for?"

"Honestly, I'm of the same mind when it comes to my own things," Sasuke admitted wryly, and with a subtle smile she couldn't help but marvel at. He'd never appeared to be so relaxed as he stood before her now, his posture casual and his expression natural.

Kino's lips lifted up unthinkingly. "I decided that I like clean rooms without clutter."

"That's self evident," he noted, in a tone that she suspected meant he was doing it jokingly.

"You're a bit... different," she said, attempting to remember the version of himself she knew better.

He raised his brows. "Have I?"

She nodded and then stepped in close enough to brush her fingers against his cheek, lifting up the hair that covered the rinnegan eye. "I sense calmness within you."

His hand went to cover hers, and she blinked at the chill of his fingertips. "You're different too."

"I feel different," she whispered, twisting her fingers around his before coming to hold his hand in her palms. Silence hung in the air as she rubbed warmth into his skin, until she mused, "Cold hands are owned by those with kind hearts."

His brow lifted and his lip curled in a hesitant smile. "Why do you say that?"

"On a mission in the past... I encountered an aged woman who told me that. She explained that it's because people with cold hands are too busy looking after everyone else to realize they need to be looked after too."

"How old were you when this happened?"

Somehow, she was surprised he cared to ask. "I was twelve."

"It's a nice notion," he said, eyes on their joined hands. "Do you believe in it?"

Kino stilled, contemplating it. "A kind person is capable of having warm and cold hands, and so is everyone else. Cold hands is perhaps a trait of someone forgetful of themselves, but that in itself doesn't represent kindness."

"Hm." Sasuke looked away from her, pulling his hand away to gesture towards the door. "It's about dinner time, isn't it? Should we eat out?"

"I haven't cooked in a while," she murmured, already heading in the direction of the kitchen. She turned to smile at him, trying to convince herself that he was actually there. "Let's stay inside for your first night back home."

It was here that he began to look awkward and out of place, glancing from her to the walls and floor, his shoulders tensing. "Yeah, home," he whispered, as if he hadn't wanted her to catch it.

Somehow, it made her sad to hear the uncertainty held in his voice, and sadder yet when she realized then that he would not stay in Konoha with her forever.

It was only a matter of time before he left again.

**でも好きになる**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Language Guide;
> 
> 散々嫌になって - sanzan iya ni natte - thoroughly full of hate
> 
> でも好きになる - demo suki ni naru - but becoming loving too
> 
> These lines are lyrics from a song called As You Like It/お気に召すまま/oki ni mesu mama by E ve. Which, after Kenshi Yonezu's Shunrai, is the best bop of 2017 for me. Check 'em out.


	22. Chapter 22

For a time, it felt—for lack of a better word— _weird_  to have Sasuke home again.

Somehow, it was like nothing had changed and yet everything had while he'd been away. The outside wasn't so different, all the same people were around, the same scenery and relationships. And yet, something inside of Kino felt... different.

Inside of her, there had been a shift and while she'd adapted to it without him, adding him back into her life was like tossing a rock into a pond. The waters rippled and shifted into a distorted reflection of what what had been normal. With it, it revealed new ways of seeing the world.

It was like that, except that was only a metaphor and Sasuke wasn't a rock and her world wasn't a single pond.

With him back in her life, everything  _felt_  different to her, as if seeing through new eyes. Colors seemed more vivid, background sounds sunk further off into the distance in attempts to listen to him closely, and her body began to react in ways it never had before to anyone.

When he looked at her, Kino's chest went tight, as if she was bracing for an impact, and she'd heat up as if on the verge of a fever. It made it hard to breathe, especially when his expression would sometimes soften when he wasn't aware she was looking. She liked seeing him like that the most; relaxed, book in hand as he sat out on the engawa deck.

"This is a special type of liking someone," Kino whispered to herself, to make it feel more real. To make the mystery of it less vague.

In her hands, she was fixing the frayed edges of his clothes, him being too clumsy to do it with only one hand. She was liking more and more the style he was adopting. He'd come back with longer hair, had covered the Rinnegan with it, and was now wearing a cloak she thought suited him well, abandoning the bare-chested look she'd first met him with.

She felt the bizarre sensation of feeling the weight of the years she'd known him. Not a great deal of years, but enough to mark an age in their lives. They were growing up.  _She_ was growing up, changing just like he was.

Somehow, Kino found moisture finding its way to her eyes and she had to press them close.

She wasn't sad. It was a  _good_  feeling she was having.

It was something she'd rarely encountered and could hardly find the word for it. What came to mind was contentment, gratitude, amazement,  _gladness_. It struck Kino moments later what it was and why she was feeling it, but was so initially confused, she had to puzzle it out further beyond to make sense of the realization.

It all came back to ROOT.

When she'd been an operative, Kino had never thought of the future. Not for herself, at least. She expected only that which she was told to expect, and could only put faith in that. She'd never thought of growing up, of reaching adulthood, of being her own person. She was, for all intents and purposes, someone else's tool.

She'd been taught passivity, to watch life shed itself into ghosts. Kino had grown used to being told what to do, and more importantly, she'd grown used to letting things happen to her and doing nothing but what was ordered in response. She'd let  _bad_  things happen to her.

Kino looked to Sasuke, and was surprised to see him watching her, an unreadable expression on his face. When their gazes met, he tried for a smile but it looked awkward on him, misplaced. Not as comfortable as it would have been if it had been Sakura or Ino.

She liked that. Her smile also needed some work and it was  _nice_ , knowing he wasn't perfect.

Kino had let bad things happen to her and she'd done bad things because of it. The same had happened to him and maybe because of or inspite of, she'd grown comfortable with the change he brought to her.

The feeling she had? Satisfaction.

Kino held his gaze and stretched her mouth into a grin. "Will you tell me about your travels?" Kino asked, unable to keep a twinge of hope from her voice.

The awkward smile softened, turned almost shy, and his eyes, usually so distant and fierce, twinkled with something much warmer. It made her chest tighten, her lungs constrict, but she kept breathing.

If only so she could stay alive to hear him begin to open up.

**あんな思い出に泣いた**

Ino enjoyed her time with Sai, more than anything else she had occupying it as of late. They didn't meet every day, could barely manage twice a week with how frantic her schedule behaved and how often Sai went out on missions.

Ino was busy stepping up as a leader in her clan, taking care of issues within it and learning more everyday what it was that made her father so respected; he had always been patient and constructive when offering advice or getting work done. He was well-spoken, understanding and tolerant of others, and able to harden his resolve to do what he had to for the sake of the clan. It made Ino feel incompatible with the role she felt ill-molded to fill, but was too weighted with guilt to say any of that out loud.

Her mother might have told her it was experience that made Inoichi so great, but Ino wasn't so sure that was all it was. She wasn't sure about anything, at least not where it concerned her natural ability—or lack thereof. How was she supposed to be confident when there were others much better suited for it?

There was talk of her marrying someone, and if she had to take a guess, it would be Kenichi, a third cousin of hers that had recently proven again and again as she'd fumbled that he could do a better job if he were made clan head. He was annoying about it too, damn bastard acted as if he already had the role.

He wouldn't think so if he actually knew her.

No one in her clan knew about Sai, as they hadn't yet approached her about the topic of marriage and she'd never felt the need to air out her private life. Maybe they thought it was what was expected of her, maybe they thought she was still too young.

Whatever the case, they hadn't actually realized that for all the differences she had from her father, Ino was alike to him in one way; she was going to choose who she ended up with on her own, just like he had, and she'd take as long as she wanted to do it.

Not that she wanted to  _marry_  Sai. That felt a bit extreme, even if she acknowledged their relationship was the most interesting one she'd ever had, and they had great chemistry to boot.

Ino always found herself thinking about stuff like this before meeting him though, plagued by her indecisiveness and the insecurities she didn't let many people know she had. What was the future going to be like, she had no idea, and she wondered and wondered, until she saw him, standing where he'd promised to be.

Sai smiled at her and Ino picked up her pace to meet him, reveling in the way he tossed an arm around her waist.

She liked him, she liked  _this_.

They had dinner like usual, and this time, went back to his place. She preferred it, never knowing when her mom was home or how high the risk of being walked in on was. His was a nice place, bit on the cheap side, but nice. Less empty now that she'd taken to buying decorations for the walls and counters, and feeling like a space she could get comfortable in now that she'd warmed to it.

Of course, the most important part of the evening was when he touched her. That was when the real magic began, when the world outside faded from thought and all that was left was just... her and him.

Sai was never a rushed kisser, not anything comparable to the rushed and clumsy kisses she'd had with boys when she was younger. Instead, he was slow and purposeful with his actions, deliberating and precise and so, so,  _so good_  at it. She considered herself an excellent teacher.

Now that they'd taken the time to experiment, Sai knew what she liked and knew what he liked in a makeout session. It wasn't often that he wasn't able to leave her panting, dazed, unable to form coherent sentences. For better or worse, they'd lately began to hike up the heat by stripping. First it started with their shirts, and then her bra, and when she thought she might burst with his tongue darting against her nipple, she'd mindlessly worked at shoving down her skirt and marveled at how fast his hands slipped from her hair, down her stomach and to her thighs.

It all felt better skin to skin, eyes closed, being run by instinct.

Sai never bothered her about sex, though from his heavy-lidded gaze and the pressure of his hardness being pressed against her, she knew it had to be something on his mind.

It was certainly something on hers, amongst other things.

She broke the kiss and bit her lip, deliberating. He raised his brows.

Letting her curiosity get the better of her this time, Ino did what she had never done with a boy; she slipped her hand past the waistband of his pants and underwear and cupped the tip of him, feeling against her palm his heat and sweat. He broke the kiss and gave a sharp inhale, eyes squeezing shut as he released a guttural moan that sent thrills through her lower abdomen.

A part of her was amazed at being so lucky to see this, to see the alienness in his expression shift into something altogether too human and natural. He didn't even seem to notice the stiffness in his posture had vanished, and for a moment, it was something private only she got to enjoy.

The weirdness in touching a guy's dick for the first time evaporated then, and with more confidence than she'd had in quite a while, she said, "Take off your pants."

Confusion filled his gaze. "Are we...?"

Ino grinned. "No, but I'll show you something that'll  _blow_  your mind."

His brows rose, a slow smile spreading on his face, his pale cheeks turning a shade pinker. She couldn't resist leaning in to kiss him there and further, couldn't resist dipping lower to kiss his collarbone as he rolled his pants down past his knees and to the floor. It was her first time seeing a man completely naked and the part of her that was still sane, marveled over the fact that it was  _Sai_.

A year ago, she'd have been skeptical if she was told this would be her future.

He had killer abs that she ran her fingers over with curiosity and awe, amazed by the stark difference between her and him. Her particularly busty, soft chest was nothing like his. For instance, when she tweaked his nipples, they felt rougher and were a lot darker in color compared to the velvet pink of hers. She might have been more focused on exploring him had it not been for the expectant look he gave her.

"On your back," she ordered, using her hands to press his shoulders down before topping him. He gazed at her, blinking and smiling. He really was quite adorable.

"What will you do?" he asked.

"It's something I've never done before," she admitted, feeling her face heat up as she went to grip his shaft. In her head she repeated the advice some older kunoichi had once gifted her; careful of teeth and gag reflex, use hands in tandem so as not to wear herself out, and remember the tips about the tongue and mouth roof.

Ok, she could do this. On his elbows, Sai raised himself up to watch her and somehow having his gaze on her made the whole thing kind of... hot? Ino shifted down the bed and got comfortable, laying on her tummy between his spread legs before using one hand to experimentally cup his balls, and the other his shaft.

With a delirious giggle inspired by the absurdity of his expression, she wasted no time in taking him into her mouth and listened for that special moan of his. It came in a matter of seconds, sounding surprised. A moment later, she felt his hand come down on her head, his fingers caressing her hair and entangling the longer she went at it. Sai was a surprisingly noisy man when it came to expressing himself in bed.

Emboldened by the reaction, Ino went at it with full vigor, feeling the minutes pass slowly as she tried her best not to mess up when her tongue and jaw began to tire. Rather, it seemed worth it to hear his delightful moans and feel his thighs squeeze around her. It was certainly less bad than she thought it would be, which was a nice surprise.

The  _strangest_  thing about it seemed not to be that she was sucking his dick, which  _should_  have been that. But in fact, the oddest part of it was that she awakened to a realization while giving him a blowjob.

Ino liked Sai.  _Liked,_  liked him.

It was at this point, doing the most outrageous sexual act she ever had in her life, that she came to the conclusion that Sai might just be the most worthy boy she'd ever dated, at least worthy enough to receive this degree of devotion from her. And also that she wasn't the least bit uncomfortable doing it.

In short, cock in mouth, Ino realized she might just be a little bit in love with him.

She didn't have time to linger on it.

"Ino..." Sai groaned, his fingers gripping her hair, his hips gently bucking. It was in between pants that he said, "I'm  _close_."

Not ready to attempt swallowing, Ino gave him one last lick before letting her hands do the rest in driving him to the edge and beyond. When he finally came, it was with such surprising force—she hadn't known what to exactly expect—that she couldn't stop from getting cum in her hair and on her face. The rest landed on his thighs and sheets.

She licked at the bit that landed on her lips and discreetly grimaced before rising onto her knees to better meet his gaze.

"How was that?" Ino asked with a smirk as he caught his breath.

He seemed to be at a loss for words, as without saying anything he sat up and reached for her. Bringing his hand up behind the back of her neck, he pulled her in and  _kissed_ her. She tried to break it—wasn't he worried about the taste? He deepened it before he would let her pull away though.

When she did, Sai began to laugh. Actually laugh, in a way he'd never done before, sounding a bit like he was hiccuping. It was oddly  _infectious_  despite the deadpan tone, and she joined in with giggles that only grew louder the more she let it sink in that he'd  _kissed_  her with  _cum_  on her face!

"What is it called? That act."

"A blowjob," she told him, her grin broadening as understanding filled his features.

"You did say you'd blow my mind," he noted, reaching out to wipe at her cheek, absentmindedly smiling.

Ino leaned into the touch for a moment before moving to clamber off the bed. "While you clean up here, I'm taking a shower."

"Are you staying the night?" he asked.

She paused, indecisive until she took a good look at him, her handsome boyfriend who actually seemed a bit hopeful about the prospect. Sai had his own way of conveying his desires that weren't always obvious to her but this was a moment where it seemed perfectly clear.

He wanted her to stay.

Ino felt a warmness fill her, something loving and kind that might have gotten her misty eyed had it not been for the jizz on her skin.

"You should make us some tea while I'm in the shower," she said. "It'll be nice before bed."

"Understood," he said with diligence, as if she'd just given him a mission.

"That's a yes to your question, by the way," she added, unsure how clear that had been. Ino glanced back at the bed. "Change the sheets too!"

With that, she was off to the shower, giddy with the thought that there might be something nicer about her relationship with him than she'd first realized.

**好きでよかった。**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Language Guide;  
> あんな思い出に泣いた - anna omoide ni naita - such memories make me weep
> 
> 好きでよかった。- suki de yokatta - I'm glad I like you


End file.
